("I've trained my entire life for this moment.") DICKEY, AR – The world very nearly met its end earlier this week, when a research laboratory in the sleepy little town of Dickey experienced a deadly outbreak of a virus that killed people and reanimated them as zombies. This might have been the end of the world, had the infection not been met with unrelenting force from the townsfolk. Many residents of Dickey own guns, whether for hunting, defense, or just for the sake of collecting them. When the hordes of ravenous zombies spilled from the gates of the research center, citizens were quick to fight back.
“I remember coming out of the grocery store, arms full of organic vegetables for a delicious salad, when I saw a man in a lab coat assaulting a young woman,” said Chet Burton, mechanic and father of three. “Thank God I was packing heat that day. I dropped my produce, pulled out my trusty Springfield XD-S, and shot both of them in the head. The woman had already been bitten, so she was a goner, unfortunately. I’ve seen enough horror films to know how that whole thing works.”
Burton’s quick action may have saved an entire grocery store full of unarmed civilians, who would have no doubt been bitten and converted into soldiers of the unholy army. Not all residents of Dickey were so lucky, however. Turner Brady, the “town pedophile”, was unable to purchase a weapon thanks to his multiple felony convictions. After being turned away from gun stores, the pawn shop, and Walmart, he resorted to fighting off the undead using a 2x4 with a nail sticking out of it. Unfortunately, he was soon overwhelmed, and the ravenous zombies promptly ate his dick off.
Thankfully, a pair of heavily armed brothers were able to pick up the slack. Sid and Robby-Jean King, proud members of the alt-right movement and vocal defenders of gun rights, were able to hold off the walking dead at crucial choke points in the town, preventing further infection.
“A hail of semi-automatic fire wouldn’t have been good enough in this situation,” Robby-Jean told reporters after the outbreak had been culled. “When you’ve got damn-near a hundred hostiles bearing down on you and can’t afford to let a single one through, it pays to have continuous fire. Luckily, I tricked out my AR-15 with a bump stock and a high-capacity magazine, otherwise they might’ve broken our perimeter.”
“This just goes to show how harmful it can be to restrict our right to bear arms,” Burton later said. “Proponents of gun regulations mean well, but in the long run they’re just forcing good law-abiding citizens to face down zombies with inadequate firepower. There is a solution out there to school shootings and gun violence that doesn’t leave us vulnerable to hordes of undead. I don’t know what that solution is, but it’s not fewer guns.”
Burton’s quick action may have saved an entire grocery store full of unarmed civilians, who would have no doubt been bitten and converted into soldiers of the unholy army. Not all residents of Dickey were so lucky, however. Turner Brady, the “town pedophile”, was unable to purchase a weapon thanks to his multiple felony convictions. After being turned away from gun stores, the pawn shop, and Walmart, he resorted to fighting off the undead using a 2x4 with a nail sticking out of it. Unfortunately, he was soon overwhelmed, and the ravenous zombies promptly ate his dick off.
Thankfully, a pair of heavily armed brothers were able to pick up the slack. Sid and Robby-Jean King, proud members of the alt-right movement and vocal defenders of gun rights, were able to hold off the walking dead at crucial choke points in the town, preventing further infection.
“A hail of semi-automatic fire wouldn’t have been good enough in this situation,” Robby-Jean told reporters after the outbreak had been culled. “When you’ve got damn-near a hundred hostiles bearing down on you and can’t afford to let a single one through, it pays to have continuous fire. Luckily, I tricked out my AR-15 with a bump stock and a high-capacity magazine, otherwise they might’ve broken our perimeter.”
“This just goes to show how harmful it can be to restrict our right to bear arms,” Burton later said. “Proponents of gun regulations mean well, but in the long run they’re just forcing good law-abiding citizens to face down zombies with inadequate firepower. There is a solution out there to school shootings and gun violence that doesn’t leave us vulnerable to hordes of undead. I don’t know what that solution is, but it’s not fewer guns.”