Guys, we’ve all been there. Going about your business, thinking about something completely non-erotic, like math or stoves or Mount Rushmore. Then, for some god-forsaken reason, you’re sporting a major boner, most often in a situation that would make you look like you’re gay, a pervert, or a pedophile. However, those aren’t even the worst occasions to host a hard-on. After surveying over 500 men, these are some of the most dreaded places to get an erection.
1. While riding a bike. This shift in blood flow can be disastrous when you’re out for a ride, whether it be for exercise or travel. Not only does it draw precious oxygen-rich blood cells away from your muscles, but in certain cases it can even interfere with navigation. Not to mention those biking shorts make no effort to hide it.
2. While playing guitar. Oftentimes this instrument naturally hangs right around your genitals. However, any unexpected changes to the topography of the region can be a hindrance to your musical ability. That’s why fangirls throwing their panties up on stage can be both a blessing and a curse.
3. As a goalie in a soccer game. Many of the reasons are the same as biking, except with the added bonus of being the center of attention when the other team is close to scoring. You can bet the opposing players will fixate on that bulge whether they like it or not, and shots on goal might unconsciously veer in that direction. It’s hard to defend your goal when you’re worried about making a soccer ball shishkebob.
4. At the dinner table. Depending on your level of endowment and the height of the chair, this can (and frequently does) force the table to move, propping it up like a lean-to. Glasses will fall to the floor, silverware will scatter, and god forbid you’re eating soup, because everyone across from you will receive crotch burns courtesy of your little buddy.
5. On an aircraft carrier. Yes, you read right. This is way more common than you’d think. Maybe it’s just the soothing sound of the waves, or maybe mermaids really exist, but unexpected erections on aircraft carriers are a serious problem. So much so, in fact, that the government deemed it a risk to national security for these on-the-clock taxpayer-funded boners to run rampant. Solutions have been tossed around, from supplying all Navy and Air Force ships with buckets of cold water to requiring all male personnel to rub one out before work.