("Know where that balloon'll really end up, kid? Inside some dog's colon.") This past weekend was filled with despair for young Maxwell, age six.
While attending a harvest festival with his parents, Maxwell received an orange balloon from the orchard they were visiting. His mother offered to tie it to his wrist so he wouldn’t lose it, but the child protested, and held onto it himself.
Unfortunately, Maxwell’s confidence in his balloon-holding ability was misplaced. Minutes later, he watched with tears in his eyes as the balloon floated into the sky.
“It’s okay, Max,” his father said. “That balloon is just going up to grandpa in heaven.”
This misinformation seemed to cheer up the child. Luckily, a man nearby overheard the statement, and intervened.
While attending a harvest festival with his parents, Maxwell received an orange balloon from the orchard they were visiting. His mother offered to tie it to his wrist so he wouldn’t lose it, but the child protested, and held onto it himself.
Unfortunately, Maxwell’s confidence in his balloon-holding ability was misplaced. Minutes later, he watched with tears in his eyes as the balloon floated into the sky.
“It’s okay, Max,” his father said. “That balloon is just going up to grandpa in heaven.”
This misinformation seemed to cheer up the child. Luckily, a man nearby overheard the statement, and intervened.
“Actually, it’s just going to pop,” the stranger, a man named Cass Houlton, told the child. “When it gets about five miles up, the reduction in air pressure will cause it to expand until it explodes. Idiot.”
Maxwell, distraught that his parents would lie to him about such a thing, resumed his crying.
“I can’t believe the parents actually believed such a stupid thing,” Houlton later told reporters. “Up to heaven? Please. If heaven really exists, it’s on another plane of existence, not up there with the clouds. As if a physical object like a balloon could actually reach the spirit of their deceased grandfather. Dumbasses.”
Despite the protests of the parents, Houlton proceeded to shine the light of truth on other misinformation Maxwell might have received.
“You ever had a pet that ‘ran away,’ kid? Yeah, that pet is dead. Your parents just didn’t want to tell you. And if they try to take you to a magic show, don’t let their lies get to you. The rabbit was in the hat the whole time. There’s a hidden compartment in there. Magic isn’t real, just like Santa Claus.”
Houlton frequently doles out such information for free to poorly educated people he happens to be eavesdropping on. He considers it a service to the community.
“It’s not okay for parents to lie like that, and make the world seem like a kind, fuzzy place. The sooner that kid’s dreams pop like his stupid balloon, the better.”
Maxwell, distraught that his parents would lie to him about such a thing, resumed his crying.
“I can’t believe the parents actually believed such a stupid thing,” Houlton later told reporters. “Up to heaven? Please. If heaven really exists, it’s on another plane of existence, not up there with the clouds. As if a physical object like a balloon could actually reach the spirit of their deceased grandfather. Dumbasses.”
Despite the protests of the parents, Houlton proceeded to shine the light of truth on other misinformation Maxwell might have received.
“You ever had a pet that ‘ran away,’ kid? Yeah, that pet is dead. Your parents just didn’t want to tell you. And if they try to take you to a magic show, don’t let their lies get to you. The rabbit was in the hat the whole time. There’s a hidden compartment in there. Magic isn’t real, just like Santa Claus.”
Houlton frequently doles out such information for free to poorly educated people he happens to be eavesdropping on. He considers it a service to the community.
“It’s not okay for parents to lie like that, and make the world seem like a kind, fuzzy place. The sooner that kid’s dreams pop like his stupid balloon, the better.”