("U-nye-loo-lay-doo? Wee-tah-Cthulhu-R'lyeh-wgah'nagl-fhtagn!") #1. Take-Apart, Put-Together Furby: These things were already pretty creepy with their soul-gazing eyes and voice box that seemed to like activating in the middle of the night. But when the company, eager to capitalize on the success of the toy, released TAPT Furby, they rushed it and ended up creating a nightmarish product. The instructions were exclusively in Vietnamese, and there didn’t seem to be enough parts, so more often than not you were left with an unfinished endoskeleton sitting on your desk. The battery, of course, came pre-installed, so even while you built it, the thing could already blink and talk to you.
#2. Spa-Day Sally: When Barbies were all the rage, this little number came out. Girls could dress her up in a bathrobe and pamper this doll! If you exposed the face to hot water, the face changed, giving her a “mud mask.” The only problem was that it looked a hell of a lot like blackface.
| #3. Yeti-Man: Is it a Sasquatch? Is it a man? Hard to say, since the whole body was covered in fur except for a very human looking face. I guess it was aimed at kids who thought hairy middle-aged dudes were cool. Got a lot of flack from Cryptozooligists for presenting an "inaccurate likeness of Bigfoot." |  |
(The blood splatter on each Apocalypse Annie doll is 100% unique!) #4. Apocalypse Annie: With the success of movies like The Hunger Games, toy manufacturers decided to go the dystopian route. Apocalypse Annie was the first attempt, with that “gritty realism” kids seemed to love. With a gas mask to survive the radiation- or virus-filled air, protruding, emaciated ribs to echo starvation, and a flamethrower/chainsaw to fight off vicious raiders, zombies, and/or aliens, Annie found more popularity among adult males than girls who looked up to Katniss Everdeen.
#5. Red Guy, Yellow Guy, and Duck: We owe this toy series to Mexico, and its tendency to make cheap knockoff versions of popular toys. Apparently the manufacturers were aware of the popularity of the YouTube series Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared, but had never actually seen it themselves. The toys themselves were fine, but the problem arose when American and Mexican children alike went online to watch the video series their new toys were from.
| #6. Pro Wrestler Clown: Because what do kids love even more than Pro Wrestlers? Clowns! Not only did this thing look like it was made by a third grader, its designs made no sense. Like those things on its legs… were those eyes? And why did the luchador mask have pink feathers? However, since only five-hundred were made, this is considered a collectible to action-figure enthusiasts, often going for over a thousand dollars on Ebay. |  |
#7. Comrade Ivan: Popular during the Cold War, this was easily the most obvious attempt to bring propaganda to the toy market. Meet Ivan, the muscular mustachioed commie, with a soviet flag in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other. The toy came with a dart gun, so you could use him for target practice! Upon being hit, Ivan would let loose a string of obscenities in Russian, helping foster a strong sense of xenophobia in a generation of children.
(Also enjoys changing your password to the answer of a riddle he leaves you on a post-it note.) Bonus Figure: Socks & Moccasins Man! Wait, this whole article was just a sales pitch? Yep! Sox & Mox Man is for those diehard satire fans who want a little more from yours truly. This action figure, armed with sophisticated technology, will do its best to make you laugh with cheesy jokes every day! Whether changing your desktop background to something witty, hiding your car keys, or “riding the bull” with pencils from your desk (he does this a lot, it’s a glitch I can’t seem to fix), Socks & Moccasins Man will work tirelessly to brighten up your life.
 (Brings flowers to your girlfriend, emphasizing your lack of romantic gestures! Hilarious!) |  (Oh, silly Sox & Mox Man, you planted another stick in a pile of dirt which you left on my desk. What would I do without you?) |