The Writing of Daniel Kilkelly
  • Home
  • Socks and Moccasins Blog
    • Archives
  • Writing Samples
  • Bookshelf
  • About Me
    • Bio
    • Links
    • Contact

Lack of Fine Arts Funding Actually Beneficial for Creativity

7/17/2018

0 Comments

 
Picture("Go easy on that white paint, kids. That's got to last us the rest of the school year!")
​High schools and colleges across the nation suffer from a chronic lack of funding for the arts. Music, theatre, drawing and painting, poetry and photography; these subjects generally rest on the edge of tumbling into the abyss of cut funding. However, the brilliant insight of experts in the field of economics say that this is actually helping the arts.

“The heads of these programs are always complaining about their non-existent budget,” said a Mr. Gree Disgood, businessman and majority stockholder for a number of construction companies in Minnesota. “Schools tend to allocate more funds towards new sports stadiums and fancy events for benefactors than to the arts. But is that such a bad thing?”


Read More
0 Comments

Suspected Arsonist Continues to Evade Authorities

5/31/2018

0 Comments

 
Picture
​Firefighters were unable to save yet another building from being burned down this week, a mansion belonging to prominent local researchers.  This is believed to be the work of a serial arsonist who remains at large.
 
“Someone needs to catch this sicko,” said Officer Jennifer Viridian, who is lead on the case. “He’s already burned down a local hospital and a convenience store, not to mention a pretty bad forest fire just outside of town.  The mansion this week is just his latest offense.  I almost caught him, too, but he escaped under the cover of the smokescreen.”


Read More
0 Comments

Senator Filibusters a Bill so he can Read Aloud his Novel

4/3/2018

0 Comments

 
Picture
​A filibuster in the Senate ended Wednesday after nearly thirteen hours.  During this time, Senator Kaine Dill Kelly (D-MN) took to the podium and read aloud from the latest draft of the novel he had been working on, Anger Without a Home.
 
“This is a clear abuse of the filibuster,” said Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY). “The bill he’s obstructing is a commonsense healthcare measure that would easily pass if allowed to proceed to a vote.  That being said, the characters in his story are rich in personality.  By the end of chapter three I was really rooting for them.”


Read More
0 Comments

Zombie Apocalypse Stopped in its Tracks by Gun Owners

3/16/2018

0 Comments

 
Picture("I've trained my entire life for this moment.")
​DICKEY, AR – The world very nearly met its end earlier this week, when a research laboratory in the sleepy little town of Dickey experienced a deadly outbreak of a virus that killed people and reanimated them as zombies. This might have been the end of the world, had the infection not been met with unrelenting force from the townsfolk.  Many residents of Dickey own guns, whether for hunting, defense, or just for the sake of collecting them.  When the hordes of ravenous zombies spilled from the gates of the research center, citizens were quick to fight back.


Read More
0 Comments

Anonymous Hacks Chipotle, Upcharges All Customers for Guacamole

3/4/2018

0 Comments

 
Picture(Is nothing sacred?)
​The prolific hacker group known as Anonymous has struck again, this time aiming to sew chaos among the chain of Mexican fast food restaurants, Chipotle.  They did so by hacking the chain’s computer system and automatically adding a charge for guacamole on every order, even if no guac is present.

​As the price of the addition is already a source of discontent among customers, the added charges spelled disaster for the company.


Read More
0 Comments

Minnesotans Rename Anything Philadelphia-Related Out of Spite for Eagles

2/1/2018

1 Comment

 
Picture(This shall henceforth be known as the Viking Valhalla Victory Sandwich!)
​This year has been an emotional roller coaster for Minnesota Vikings fans.  The team had a strong season, culminating in their last-second victory against the Saints, dubbed a “Minneapolis Miracle.”  That was all dashed to pieces when the Philadelphia Eagles defeated the Minnesota Vikings and secured their spot in the Super Bowl.  Now Minnesotans have the rare experience of hosting the team that denied them a home-state Super Bowl.  What’s worse is that the Eagles are notorious for having disrespectful and toxic fans, many of whom are headed over to Minnesota to watch their team play.


Read More
1 Comment

Down on his Luck Genie Can’t Find Work

5/15/2017

1 Comment

 
Picture(The true 'Blue Lives Matter'.)
​​Solemaeus Al’Afrit, a supernatural entity known as a Djinn or “genie”, is preparing himself for the twentieth anniversary of his last wish granted.
 
Times have been tough for Solemaeus.  Demand for his services has taken a nosedive in the wake of skepticism and negative portrayal of his kind in fiction.  Despite the infinite cosmic power he possesses, modern humans have avoided him and his wish-granting services completely for the last two decades.
 
“It’s been hard lately, I’m not going to lie,” Solemaeus told reporters. “Back in the day, people were in awe of our godlike powers, and were more willing to take a chance on the grand promises we made them.  Nowadays, ‘stranger danger’ is the law of the land.  People take one look at me and assume I’m some homeless ex-convict or white supremacist.”


Read More
1 Comment

Grizzly With Polar Bear Fetish Actually Okay With Global Warming

4/17/2017

0 Comments

 
Picture(Widespread destruction of habitat has never been so sexy.)
​Global Climate Change has negatively affected many species, one of the most prominent being the polar bear.  As ice caps melt and their habitat recedes with it, polar bear populations have declined in recent years, and will continue to do so as global temperatures increase.
 
However, this change is not all negative.  With polar bears forced to move south, contact between this species and grizzly bears is becoming more common.  At least one bear, a grizzly named Katow-jo, has benefitted from the change.


Read More
0 Comments

Let's Make 'Camp Rock 3' Happen - Hipster Music Reviews

4/3/2017

0 Comments

 
Picture(Jasper Hans, Hipster Music Reviewer)
​Most people with good taste will groan at the mention of the Jonas Brothers or shrug at the distant memory of Demi Lovato’s show Sonny With a Chance.  These so-called stars went from their shameful Disney backgrounds to a bunch of poseurs producing mindless pop songs for the masses.
 
However, there is one gem whose light shines through the rushing waters of the mainstream, and that is Camp Rock.  The movie and its sequel captured the hearts and minds of everyone it reached, be it your typical Disney Channel viewer or a more sophisticated audience, such as myself.  The superb acting, dynamite soundtrack, and underlying message of not selling your soul to a big record company, combine to make these wonderful films.


Read More
0 Comments

Horny Man Holds Own Chest, Pretending it's a Breast

3/27/2017

0 Comments

 
Picture(Come on, guys, who hasn't done this?)
​In order to alleviate his pent-up sexual desires, Hans E. Guy, resorted to some unorthodox methods.  Single, 27, and “playing the field,” Guy attempted to replicate the feeling of touching a woman’s breast by groping his own unflexed pectoral.
 
“Yeah, been on my own a little while,” Guy told reporters late last night. “Don’t want to tie myself down to just one woman, you know?  But I do miss the feel of a nice breast.  On some lonely nights, I get creative.”


Read More
0 Comments

St. Patrick’s Day is a Menace and Must be Stopped!

3/17/2017

0 Comments

 
Picture(Seamus O'Malley, Irishman and Civil Rights Hero)
​By Seamus O’Malley
 
Do you, like many Americans, fancy St. Patrick’s Day?  Do ya wear green, go ‘round pinchin’ people or askin’ ‘em to kiss you?  Enjoy’tha Shamrock Shake from McDonalds?  Well guess what; you’re racist ‘n xenophobic, an’ prolly an arsehole ta boot.
 
All’a these traditions ya mock are what I an’ all true Irishmen do 365 days a year.  There be no joke, it’s our heritage; our culture.  Just like the Mexicans nerr take off them sombreros, our noble blood canna pump through our bodies without a BAC of at least .06.  Tha’s just scientific fact.


Read More
0 Comments

Passerby Gets Mixed Signals from Graffiti

3/6/2017

0 Comments

 
Picture
LOS ANGELES, CA – An area man walking to work stumbled upon a wall that had been spray painted.  The message upon it, “Fuck U,” seemed odd considering the enormous heart around the words.
 
“I wasn’t sure what to make of it,” the passing man said. “Is the message directed at me?  What does it mean?  I don't want to overthink this.”
 
Despite the harsh words, he felt as though the heart may have betrayed the true intent of the message, which was fondness towards him.  The scene occupied his mind for the rest of the day, and he made sure to pass by the same wall on the way home from work.
 
“I mean, what are we?” He asked the wall. “Am I reading into this wrong, or…”
 
This confusion was only deepened when he found more graffiti later that night, an image of a hand giving the middle finger with the words “U up?”

0 Comments

Rejected Cosmo Sex Tips

2/27/2017

0 Comments

 
Picture(Build up anticipation with some sexy texts beforehand.)
Are things a little stale in the bedroom? Need to turn up the heat on your relationships?  These sex tips were too spicy even for Cosmopolitan Magazine, but if this kind of thing suits your tastes, you're in for a treat.
​
-Oil up your man, then roll him in bread crumbs.  Heat oven to 450 degrees.  Cook for thirty to forty minutes, or until fork tender.

-Apply marshmallow topping to his love-stick.  Add a chunk of succulent Hershey’s chocolate and then sandwich it between two graham crackers.


Read More
0 Comments

No More Hand Jobs Allowed in the 'Tunnel of Love'

2/13/2017

0 Comments

 
Picture
​This is a friendly reminder from park staff:  The wildly popular attraction, Tunnel of Love, is a privilege to guests of the park, not a right.  Recent events have made it necessary to revise our rules.

If these rules are not followed, guests will be asked to leave the park, and may even be blacklisted from future attendance. Please refresh yourself on the list below, and note that a new rule has been added.


Read More
0 Comments

'The Matrix' to Get Prequel Trilogy

1/30/2017

0 Comments

 
Picture
Following in the footsteps of Star Wars and The Hobbit, a prequel trilogy of films has been announced in The Matrix series.  Collectively titled “Matrix Zero,” they will take place preceding the events of the first film.
​
The trilogy will capitalize on all the things that made the originals so great—cutting edge graphics, philosophical undertones, and the stellar cast, most of whom were offered the opportunity to reprise their roles.


Read More
0 Comments
<<Previous
Forward>>

    Categories:

    Best Of
    ​Advice
    ​Dating
    Entertainment
    ​Opinion
    Politics

    Archives

    • Season 8 of 'Game of Thrones' to Have No New Character Deaths
    • Man Hospitalized for Butterflies in Stomach
    • Millenials Must be Stopped!
    • Apparently, All's NOT Fair in Love and War
    • Environmentalists Protest by Streaking
    • Don't Vote for Kaine Dill Kelly!
    • Interview with Greg Reaper, Retired Horror Movie Villain
    • Spooky is the New Sexy
    • Beard Popularity Helps Werewolf Integration
    • Should Brett Kavanaugh's Sexual Assault Allegations Disqualify Him?
    • Straight Dog Forced to Attend Gay Pride Parade
    • My Blog Got Sponsored by the Liberal Media!
    • Man Leaves Girlfriend Behind for Life of Lake Piracy
    • Woman Seeks Man, No Kids, Non-Smoker, Proud Member of the Horde
    • Recipe for the PERFECT Guacamole
    • Lack of Fine Arts Funding Actually Beneficial for Creativity
    • Suspected Arsonist Continues to Evade Authorities
    • Senator Filibusters a Bill so he can Read Aloud his Novel
    • Zombie Apocalypse Stopped in its Tracks by Gun Owners
    • Anonymous Hacks Chipotle, Upcharges All Customers for Guacamole
    • Minnesotans Rename Anything Philadelphia-Related Out of Spite for Eagles
    • Down on his Luck Genie Can't Find Work
    • Grizzly With Polar Bear Fetish Actually Okay With Global Warming
    • Let's Make 'Camp Rock 3 Happen' - Hipster Music Reviews
    • Horny Man Holds Own Chest, Pretending it's a Breast
    • St. Patrick's Day is a Menace and Must be Stopped!
    • Passerby Gets Mixed Signals from Graffiti
    • Rejected Cosmo Sex Tips
    • No More Hand Jobs Allowed in the 'Tunnel of Love'
    • 'The Matrix' to Get Prequel Trilogy
    • Scientists Discover Repeated Exposure to Urine Turns Skin Orange
    • Top New Phobias of 2016
    • President Elect Insults Widow of National Hero Harambe
    • Puns are the Way to Go in Online Dating
    • This Hammock is Totally Comfortable!
    • Man Thinks Hard About Grapefruit
    • 3rd Amendment Violation Goes to Court
    • How Will You Spend Election Day?
    • 'Make Your Own Voodoo Doll' School Project Met With Controversy
    • Vampires Raised in Captivity Too Lazy to be Released Into Wild
    • Third Generation Alien-American Discusses Immigration
    • Child Sacrifice Made to Appease Clowns
    • Worst Places to Get an Erection
    • Kick Him When He's Down: New Fighting Style for Assholes
    • Interview with Melinda the Mighty, Bringer of Peace to Warring Nations
    • Customer Put on Hold For Twelve F***ing Minutes
    • NSFW Material Viewed at Work
    • Advice Column: Ask a Professor Who's Sick of His Pretentious Students
    • Seven Action Figures That, in Hindsight, Were Really Bad Ideas
    • Naked in the Woods: Life Advice From Lief Brookson
    • Do You Play Pokémon Go?
    • Trump Accidentally Insults Mutants From 'X-Men' in Speech, Decides to Just Roll With It
    • HOLY SHIT, THAT BABY DEER IS SO FUCKING CUTE!
    • Poltergeist Sucks at His Job
    • Miley Cyrus Was SO Much Better Seven Years Ago - Hipster Music Reviews
    • Father Way Too Fit for his Advanced Age
    • Pair of Streakers Arrested
    • Marvel's Hawkeye to Finally Get Standalone Movie
    • CEO Meaning to Bribe Politician Accidentally Offers Sexual Favor
    • Old Man Arrested for Publicly Making Love to his Tonic and Gin
    • Concert Choir Perfoms Nude Show
    • Fight Club Discovered in Basement of the White House
    • Supernatural Renewed for Nine Additional Seasons
    • What's Your Opinion on Putting Harriet Tubman on the $20 Bill?
    • Anti-Stupidity Vaccines are a Flop Among Stupid People
    • Advice Column: Ask a Radio DJ Doing a Slow Jam
    • Mayor to Censor 200-Year Old Statue
    • 'Doctor Who' Fan Always Points Out This One Random Door
    • Signs Your Guy Might Secretly be Rocking the Man Bun
    • Grandmother Shocked by Family Members Adding "In Bed" to Fortunes
    • Move Over Kale, Four-Leaf Clovers are the New Superfood!
    • Should Marijuana be Legalized for Recreational Use?
    • Conservative Man Admits Global Warming Might be Real
    • Restaurant Adding Vegetarian Salad to the Menu
    • Tips for Sucking up to your Boss
    • Are You Excited for the Upcoming Season of 'Game of Thrones?'
    • Stranger Tells Child the Truth About his Lost Balloon
    • The Catholic Church Loves Gays
    • Dog on Side of the Road is "Just Sleeping", Kid Says
    • Woman Sued by Her Own Cat
    • Super Senior Still Hasn't Chosen Major
    • Man Leaves Behind All Worldly Pleasures (Except For Dat Ass)
    • God Smites Frisky Couple
    • Will You Vote for Hillary in 2016?
    • Parents Wrong, Studies Show That Life Really is Fair
    • Study Shows More College Students are Pirating Their Textbooks
    • Advice Column: Ask a Kitty-Cat
    • The "Trickle-Down" is Finally Here!
    • No Hanky-Panky in the Library
    • Man Learns What "Douchebag" Means
    • Giant Man-Eating Plant in Greenhouse
    • GOP to Overturn Women's Suffrage
    • Advice Column: Ask a Centuries-Old Stalker of the Night
    • Clean is the New Sexy
    • Gun Debate Goes Postal
    • Chupacabra Sighting
    • Disney Aims to Outspend 'Avatar' With New 'Star Wars'
    • Booze Found in Freshman's Dorm
    • Tom Gives us the "Dislike" Button
Proudly powered by Weebly