​High schools and colleges across the nation suffer from a chronic lack of funding for the arts. Music, theatre, drawing and painting, poetry and photography; these subjects generally rest on the edge of tumbling into the abyss of cut funding. However, the brilliant insight of experts in the field of economics say that this is actually helping the arts.

“The heads of these programs are always complaining about their non-existent budget,” said a Mr. Gree Disgood, businessman and majority stockholder for a number of construction companies in Minnesota. “Schools tend to allocate more funds towards new sports stadiums and fancy events for benefactors than to the arts. But is that such a bad thing?”

​Firefighters were unable to save yet another building from being burned down this week, a mansion belonging to prominent local researchers.  This is believed to be the work of a serial arsonist who remains at large.
 
“Someone needs to catch this sicko,” said Officer Jennifer Viridian, who is lead on the case. “He’s already burned down a local hospital and a convenience store, not to mention a pretty bad forest fire just outside of town.  The mansion this week is just his latest offense.  I almost caught him, too, but he escaped under the cover of the smokescreen.”

​A filibuster in the Senate ended Wednesday after nearly thirteen hours.  During this time, Senator Kaine Dill Kelly (D-MN) took to the podium and read aloud from the latest draft of the novel he had been working on, Anger Without a Home.
 
“This is a clear abuse of the filibuster,” said Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY). “The bill he’s obstructing is a commonsense healthcare measure that would easily pass if allowed to proceed to a vote.  That being said, the characters in his story are rich in personality.  By the end of chapter three I was really rooting for them.”

​DICKEY, AR – The world very nearly met its end earlier this week, when a research laboratory in the sleepy little town of Dickey experienced a deadly outbreak of a virus that killed people and reanimated them as zombies. This might have been the end of the world, had the infection not been met with unrelenting force from the townsfolk.  Many residents of Dickey own guns, whether for hunting, defense, or just for the sake of collecting them.  When the hordes of ravenous zombies spilled from the gates of the research center, citizens were quick to fight back.

​The prolific hacker group known as Anonymous has struck again, this time aiming to sew chaos among the chain of Mexican fast food restaurants, Chipotle.  They did so by hacking the chain’s computer system and automatically adding a charge for guacamole on every order, even if no guac is present.

​As the price of the addition is already a source of discontent among customers, the added charges spelled disaster for the company.

​This year has been an emotional roller coaster for Minnesota Vikings fans.  The team had a strong season, culminating in their last-second victory against the Saints, dubbed a “Minneapolis Miracle.”  That was all dashed to pieces when the Philadelphia Eagles defeated the Minnesota Vikings and secured their spot in the Super Bowl.  Now Minnesotans have the rare experience of hosting the team that denied them a home-state Super Bowl.  What’s worse is that the Eagles are notorious for having disrespectful and toxic fans, many of whom are headed over to Minnesota to watch their team play.

​​Solemaeus Al’Afrit, a supernatural entity known as a Djinn or “genie”, is preparing himself for the twentieth anniversary of his last wish granted.
 
Times have been tough for Solemaeus.  Demand for his services has taken a nosedive in the wake of skepticism and negative portrayal of his kind in fiction.  Despite the infinite cosmic power he possesses, modern humans have avoided him and his wish-granting services completely for the last two decades.
 
“It’s been hard lately, I’m not going to lie,” Solemaeus told reporters. “Back in the day, people were in awe of our godlike powers, and were more willing to take a chance on the grand promises we made them.  Nowadays, ‘stranger danger’ is the law of the land.  People take one look at me and assume I’m some homeless ex-convict or white supremacist.”

​Global Climate Change has negatively affected many species, one of the most prominent being the polar bear.  As ice caps melt and their habitat recedes with it, polar bear populations have declined in recent years, and will continue to do so as global temperatures increase.
 
However, this change is not all negative.  With polar bears forced to move south, contact between this species and grizzly bears is becoming more common.  At least one bear, a grizzly named Katow-jo, has benefitted from the change.

​Most people with good taste will groan at the mention of the Jonas Brothers or shrug at the distant memory of Demi Lovato’s show Sonny With a Chance.  These so-called stars went from their shameful Disney backgrounds to a bunch of poseurs producing mindless pop songs for the masses.
 
However, there is one gem whose light shines through the rushing waters of the mainstream, and that is Camp Rock.  The movie and its sequel captured the hearts and minds of everyone it reached, be it your typical Disney Channel viewer or a more sophisticated audience, such as myself.  The superb acting, dynamite soundtrack, and underlying message of not selling your soul to a big record company, combine to make these wonderful films.

​In order to alleviate his pent-up sexual desires, Hans E. Guy, resorted to some unorthodox methods.  Single, 27, and “playing the field,” Guy attempted to replicate the feeling of touching a woman’s breast by groping his own unflexed pectoral.
 
“Yeah, been on my own a little while,” Guy told reporters late last night. “Don’t want to tie myself down to just one woman, you know?  But I do miss the feel of a nice breast.  On some lonely nights, I get creative.”

​By Seamus O’Malley
 
Do you, like many Americans, fancy St. Patrick’s Day?  Do ya wear green, go ‘round pinchin’ people or askin’ ‘em to kiss you?  Enjoy’tha Shamrock Shake from McDonalds?  Well guess what; you’re racist ‘n xenophobic, an’ prolly an arsehole ta boot.
 
All’a these traditions ya mock are what I an’ all true Irishmen do 365 days a year.  There be no joke, it’s our heritage; our culture.  Just like the Mexicans nerr take off them sombreros, our noble blood canna pump through our bodies without a BAC of at least .06.  Tha’s just scientific fact.

LOS ANGELES, CA – An area man walking to work stumbled upon a wall that had been spray painted.  The message upon it, “Fuck U,” seemed odd considering the enormous heart around the words.
 
“I wasn’t sure what to make of it,” the passing man said. “Is the message directed at me?  What does it mean?  I don't want to overthink this.”
 
Despite the harsh words, he felt as though the heart may have betrayed the true intent of the message, which was fondness towards him.  The scene occupied his mind for the rest of the day, and he made sure to pass by the same wall on the way home from work.
 
“I mean, what are we?” He asked the wall. “Am I reading into this wrong, or…”
 
This confusion was only deepened when he found more graffiti later that night, an image of a hand giving the middle finger with the words “U up?”

Are things a little stale in the bedroom? Need to turn up the heat on your relationships?  These sex tips were too spicy even for Cosmopolitan Magazine, but if this kind of thing suits your tastes, you're in for a treat.
​
-Oil up your man, then roll him in bread crumbs.  Heat oven to 450 degrees.  Cook for thirty to forty minutes, or until fork tender.

-Apply marshmallow topping to his love-stick.  Add a chunk of succulent Hershey’s chocolate and then sandwich it between two graham crackers.

​This is a friendly reminder from park staff:  The wildly popular attraction, Tunnel of Love, is a privilege to guests of the park, not a right.  Recent events have made it necessary to revise our rules.

If these rules are not followed, guests will be asked to leave the park, and may even be blacklisted from future attendance. Please refresh yourself on the list below, and note that a new rule has been added.

Following in the footsteps of Star Wars and The Hobbit, a prequel trilogy of films has been announced in The Matrix series.  Collectively titled “Matrix Zero,” they will take place preceding the events of the first film.
​
The trilogy will capitalize on all the things that made the originals so great—cutting edge graphics, philosophical undertones, and the stellar cast, most of whom were offered the opportunity to reprise their roles.