(Step 1: Get Naked. Step 2: Go in the Woods. Actually, maybe reverse that.) Are you tired of trying to scrape by in this harsh world? Tired of working all day to pay bills while your dreams are pushed to the wayside? I’m here to tell you that there’s another way. You don’t have to live under the heel of the man’s steel-toed seal-leather boot.
The solution? Get Naked, and go live in the Woods.
Ever since I started living Naked in the Woods, all of my problems have gone away. The only rent I pay is the time spent building my modest tree fort, one of my oldest childhood dreams. It allows me to rise above the filth and corruption of society—literally and figuratively—and live amongst the stars, as mankind was always meant to.
The solution? Get Naked, and go live in the Woods.
Ever since I started living Naked in the Woods, all of my problems have gone away. The only rent I pay is the time spent building my modest tree fort, one of my oldest childhood dreams. It allows me to rise above the filth and corruption of society—literally and figuratively—and live amongst the stars, as mankind was always meant to.
But the Woods is just half of Naked in the Woods. You have got to get out of those oppressive clothes. Those cufflinks may as well be handcuffs, and that tie is just a noose that’s not yet been hung. Tear away the oppressive cotton fibers, and let your Naked skin feel the gentle breezes of mother nature’s caress. Ask yourself this: when is the last time you let your genitals bask in the sunlight? When is the last time you swam Naked in a stream or pond? Likely not since the freedom of youth. But in the Woods, you can return to that state of innocence and joy.
I eat only what the Earth Mother has to offer. Raspberries and blackberries from nearby bushes, delicious nuts, and those mushrooms which are able to coexist with my aura and not poison me to death. I’m growing tomatoes and peppers in my Peace Garden. Of course, at present, my body—fattened up by the greed of society—cannot subsist on the Earth’s nourishment alone, but until then, Jimmy Johns is willing to deliver to my location in the Woods.
My life has improved in so many ways from abandoning societal imprisonment and letting it all hang loose. Stress headaches are a thing of the past, my acne has cleared up, and I don’t cry nearly as often. Erectile dysfunction is no longer a phrase in my vocabulary. Sure, I miss certain things, like indoor plumbing. But I’ve fashioned myself a spade out of a flat rock and the bones of a badger, and am more than willing to dig poop holes the rest of my life.
Some people ask if I’m homeless. I tell them no; I am finally home. I would rather be Naked in the Woods than live another day miserable in my old life, and I invite you all to do the same.
Just… maybe not in the same general section of the Woods. I’m already low on raspberries.
I eat only what the Earth Mother has to offer. Raspberries and blackberries from nearby bushes, delicious nuts, and those mushrooms which are able to coexist with my aura and not poison me to death. I’m growing tomatoes and peppers in my Peace Garden. Of course, at present, my body—fattened up by the greed of society—cannot subsist on the Earth’s nourishment alone, but until then, Jimmy Johns is willing to deliver to my location in the Woods.
My life has improved in so many ways from abandoning societal imprisonment and letting it all hang loose. Stress headaches are a thing of the past, my acne has cleared up, and I don’t cry nearly as often. Erectile dysfunction is no longer a phrase in my vocabulary. Sure, I miss certain things, like indoor plumbing. But I’ve fashioned myself a spade out of a flat rock and the bones of a badger, and am more than willing to dig poop holes the rest of my life.
Some people ask if I’m homeless. I tell them no; I am finally home. I would rather be Naked in the Woods than live another day miserable in my old life, and I invite you all to do the same.
Just… maybe not in the same general section of the Woods. I’m already low on raspberries.