The Writing of Daniel Kilkelly
  • Home
  • Socks and Moccasins Blog
    • Archives
  • Writing Samples
  • Bookshelf
  • About Me
    • Bio
    • Links
    • Contact

Move Over Kale, Four-Leaf Clovers are the New Superfood!

2/24/2016

0 Comments

 
Picture(Other ways to ingest include a refreshing salad, cooking into bread, or a liquefied form taken intravenously.)
​Do you want to get healthy, but think you’ll puke if you see another piece of Kale?  Sure, it’s healthy, but those green leaves showing up in every form, from shakes to crispy oven-baked chips that turn to ash in your mouth, gets tiring.  That’s why you’ll be pleased to know that a healthier green has been identified: the four-leaf clover.
           
You may have wiled away the hours of your childhood picking through bushels of clovers as a child, looking for that good luck charm with four leaves instead of three.  But did you know that ingesting them has health-boosting properties?  In a study done by the prestigious University of Okoboji Department of Alternative Medicine, several new benefits have been discovered.

​Test subject reported improved moods, a libido rivaling that of a bunny in its sexual prime, drastic weight loss, and in one case, the ability to conduct photosynthesis through the skin.  No need to eat anymore after that (except for your clover supplements, of course!)
           
Those questionable and scientifically unsupported claims not doing it for you?  Well, for those nay-sayers out there, there is one undeniable result of consuming four-leaf clovers: luck.  This doesn’t need any laboratory tests.  Just look at history!  There’s an entire holiday celebrating this magnificent plant, and an entire country built upon the positive effects of its luck (either Ireland or Scotland, I can’t remember.  One of the –lands.)
           
We recommend a nutritious glass of twenty-five hundred blended four-leaf clovers before bed every night.  The resulting luck will improve your life exponentially.
           
I know what you’re thinking.  Sign me up!  If you’re ready to start a new chapter of your life, you have two options.  Either you can go out and collect these clovers yourself—good luck, the ratio is about one four-leaf for every ten thousand three-leafs—or you can engage in our reasonably priced delivery service in which we provide you with the necessary ingredients.
           
We have several different strains of four-leaf clovers, each named after the nuclear power plants adjacent to where they’re grown.  The Chernobyl blend is particularly popular; as an added bonus, that strain often has extra leaves, ranging anywhere from five to fifty-six! (The company is not liable for any complications that occur when ingesting clovers with ten or more petals).
           
Sign up for our program and soon enough you’ll be a sex god with 0% body fat, boundless energy, and perhaps a faint green glow to your skin (whether this is from the plant or radiation, we’re not entirely sure).
0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    Categories:

    Best Of
    ​Advice
    ​Dating
    Entertainment
    ​Opinion
    Politics

    Archives

    • Season 8 of 'Game of Thrones' to Have No New Character Deaths
    • Man Hospitalized for Butterflies in Stomach
    • Millenials Must be Stopped!
    • Apparently, All's NOT Fair in Love and War
    • Environmentalists Protest by Streaking
    • Don't Vote for Kaine Dill Kelly!
    • Interview with Greg Reaper, Retired Horror Movie Villain
    • Spooky is the New Sexy
    • Beard Popularity Helps Werewolf Integration
    • Should Brett Kavanaugh's Sexual Assault Allegations Disqualify Him?
    • Straight Dog Forced to Attend Gay Pride Parade
    • My Blog Got Sponsored by the Liberal Media!
    • Man Leaves Girlfriend Behind for Life of Lake Piracy
    • Woman Seeks Man, No Kids, Non-Smoker, Proud Member of the Horde
    • Recipe for the PERFECT Guacamole
    • Lack of Fine Arts Funding Actually Beneficial for Creativity
    • Suspected Arsonist Continues to Evade Authorities
    • Senator Filibusters a Bill so he can Read Aloud his Novel
    • Zombie Apocalypse Stopped in its Tracks by Gun Owners
    • Anonymous Hacks Chipotle, Upcharges All Customers for Guacamole
    • Minnesotans Rename Anything Philadelphia-Related Out of Spite for Eagles
    • Down on his Luck Genie Can't Find Work
    • Grizzly With Polar Bear Fetish Actually Okay With Global Warming
    • Let's Make 'Camp Rock 3 Happen' - Hipster Music Reviews
    • Horny Man Holds Own Chest, Pretending it's a Breast
    • St. Patrick's Day is a Menace and Must be Stopped!
    • Passerby Gets Mixed Signals from Graffiti
    • Rejected Cosmo Sex Tips
    • No More Hand Jobs Allowed in the 'Tunnel of Love'
    • 'The Matrix' to Get Prequel Trilogy
    • Scientists Discover Repeated Exposure to Urine Turns Skin Orange
    • Top New Phobias of 2016
    • President Elect Insults Widow of National Hero Harambe
    • Puns are the Way to Go in Online Dating
    • This Hammock is Totally Comfortable!
    • Man Thinks Hard About Grapefruit
    • 3rd Amendment Violation Goes to Court
    • How Will You Spend Election Day?
    • 'Make Your Own Voodoo Doll' School Project Met With Controversy
    • Vampires Raised in Captivity Too Lazy to be Released Into Wild
    • Third Generation Alien-American Discusses Immigration
    • Child Sacrifice Made to Appease Clowns
    • Worst Places to Get an Erection
    • Kick Him When He's Down: New Fighting Style for Assholes
    • Interview with Melinda the Mighty, Bringer of Peace to Warring Nations
    • Customer Put on Hold For Twelve F***ing Minutes
    • NSFW Material Viewed at Work
    • Advice Column: Ask a Professor Who's Sick of His Pretentious Students
    • Seven Action Figures That, in Hindsight, Were Really Bad Ideas
    • Naked in the Woods: Life Advice From Lief Brookson
    • Do You Play Pokémon Go?
    • Trump Accidentally Insults Mutants From 'X-Men' in Speech, Decides to Just Roll With It
    • HOLY SHIT, THAT BABY DEER IS SO FUCKING CUTE!
    • Poltergeist Sucks at His Job
    • Miley Cyrus Was SO Much Better Seven Years Ago - Hipster Music Reviews
    • Father Way Too Fit for his Advanced Age
    • Pair of Streakers Arrested
    • Marvel's Hawkeye to Finally Get Standalone Movie
    • CEO Meaning to Bribe Politician Accidentally Offers Sexual Favor
    • Old Man Arrested for Publicly Making Love to his Tonic and Gin
    • Concert Choir Perfoms Nude Show
    • Fight Club Discovered in Basement of the White House
    • Supernatural Renewed for Nine Additional Seasons
    • What's Your Opinion on Putting Harriet Tubman on the $20 Bill?
    • Anti-Stupidity Vaccines are a Flop Among Stupid People
    • Advice Column: Ask a Radio DJ Doing a Slow Jam
    • Mayor to Censor 200-Year Old Statue
    • 'Doctor Who' Fan Always Points Out This One Random Door
    • Signs Your Guy Might Secretly be Rocking the Man Bun
    • Grandmother Shocked by Family Members Adding "In Bed" to Fortunes
    • Move Over Kale, Four-Leaf Clovers are the New Superfood!
    • Should Marijuana be Legalized for Recreational Use?
    • Conservative Man Admits Global Warming Might be Real
    • Restaurant Adding Vegetarian Salad to the Menu
    • Tips for Sucking up to your Boss
    • Are You Excited for the Upcoming Season of 'Game of Thrones?'
    • Stranger Tells Child the Truth About his Lost Balloon
    • The Catholic Church Loves Gays
    • Dog on Side of the Road is "Just Sleeping", Kid Says
    • Woman Sued by Her Own Cat
    • Super Senior Still Hasn't Chosen Major
    • Man Leaves Behind All Worldly Pleasures (Except For Dat Ass)
    • God Smites Frisky Couple
    • Will You Vote for Hillary in 2016?
    • Parents Wrong, Studies Show That Life Really is Fair
    • Study Shows More College Students are Pirating Their Textbooks
    • Advice Column: Ask a Kitty-Cat
    • The "Trickle-Down" is Finally Here!
    • No Hanky-Panky in the Library
    • Man Learns What "Douchebag" Means
    • Giant Man-Eating Plant in Greenhouse
    • GOP to Overturn Women's Suffrage
    • Advice Column: Ask a Centuries-Old Stalker of the Night
    • Clean is the New Sexy
    • Gun Debate Goes Postal
    • Chupacabra Sighting
    • Disney Aims to Outspend 'Avatar' With New 'Star Wars'
    • Booze Found in Freshman's Dorm
    • Tom Gives us the "Dislike" Button
Proudly powered by Weebly