(This shall henceforth be known as the Viking Valhalla Victory Sandwich!) This year has been an emotional roller coaster for Minnesota Vikings fans. The team had a strong season, culminating in their last-second victory against the Saints, dubbed a “Minneapolis Miracle.” That was all dashed to pieces when the Philadelphia Eagles defeated the Minnesota Vikings and secured their spot in the Super Bowl. Now Minnesotans have the rare experience of hosting the team that denied them a home-state Super Bowl. What’s worse is that the Eagles are notorious for having disrespectful and toxic fans, many of whom are headed over to Minnesota to watch their team play.
Caught between the desire to be good hosts and their disdain for the Eagles' toxic fan base, Minnesotans have fallen back on a good old-fashioned passive aggressive approach. The following changes are being made to erase any traces of Philadelphia and make things difficult for Eagles fans:
-Serving Philly Cheesesteaks in Minnesota is strictly prohibited, unless a more appropriate name is given to them. Suitable examples include the Juicy Lucy Steak Sub, the Carb-Filled Barb Beef n’ Cheddar, or The Viking Valhalla Victory Sandwich.
-Sunoco Gas Stations, a company based in Philadelphia, must rename to suit the weather, perhaps something along the lines of “Cloudy-With-a-Chance-of-Snowoco.”
-Any episodes of “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air” that play in Minnesota will retcon Will Smith’s hometown from Philadelphia to South St. Paul.
-Radio Stations in the Twin Cities are banned from playing “Streets of Philadelphia” by Bruce Springsteen, “Philadelphia” by Neil Young, “Motownphilly” by Boyz II Men, “I’m in a Philly Mood” by Daryl Hall, or “TSOP (The Sound of Philadelphia)” by MFSB featuring the Three Degrees. However, “Philadelphia Freedom” by Elton John is still acceptable.
-Philadelphia Cream Cheese will be phased out of Minnesota grocery stores, to be replaced by State Fair Brand Cream Cheese, which will come in Original, Deep-Fried, and On-A-Stick flavors.
-Lastly, tourists from Philadelphia will be stopped at the border and denied entry unless they provide the following: a valid passport and birth certificate, a driver’s license, a copy of their arrest record, a Prince album, and at least three hot dish recipes.
-Serving Philly Cheesesteaks in Minnesota is strictly prohibited, unless a more appropriate name is given to them. Suitable examples include the Juicy Lucy Steak Sub, the Carb-Filled Barb Beef n’ Cheddar, or The Viking Valhalla Victory Sandwich.
-Sunoco Gas Stations, a company based in Philadelphia, must rename to suit the weather, perhaps something along the lines of “Cloudy-With-a-Chance-of-Snowoco.”
-Any episodes of “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air” that play in Minnesota will retcon Will Smith’s hometown from Philadelphia to South St. Paul.
-Radio Stations in the Twin Cities are banned from playing “Streets of Philadelphia” by Bruce Springsteen, “Philadelphia” by Neil Young, “Motownphilly” by Boyz II Men, “I’m in a Philly Mood” by Daryl Hall, or “TSOP (The Sound of Philadelphia)” by MFSB featuring the Three Degrees. However, “Philadelphia Freedom” by Elton John is still acceptable.
-Philadelphia Cream Cheese will be phased out of Minnesota grocery stores, to be replaced by State Fair Brand Cream Cheese, which will come in Original, Deep-Fried, and On-A-Stick flavors.
-Lastly, tourists from Philadelphia will be stopped at the border and denied entry unless they provide the following: a valid passport and birth certificate, a driver’s license, a copy of their arrest record, a Prince album, and at least three hot dish recipes.