(This is not what toast aught to look like!) by Murray Hale
You know what really grinds my beans? The younger generation. All of them. But especially millennials. They’ve got their priorities all mixed up. Like breakfast! In my day, you get your eggs and bacon, some toast and a cup of joe, and you’re good. Not for these entitled punks! No, they’ve got to question everything.
Why, one day last week I had my son over for breakfast. I thought it would be a simple thing, right? But when I get ready to make him a nice plate of bacon, he tells me “sorry, pop, I actually don’t eat meat.” Then I remembered those videos he always shares on Facebook, about factory farms. You know, call me crazy, but I think it’s rude to reject a hot plate of food placed in front of you. Guess that means the eggs are out, too, even though they aren’t even meat.
You know what really grinds my beans? The younger generation. All of them. But especially millennials. They’ve got their priorities all mixed up. Like breakfast! In my day, you get your eggs and bacon, some toast and a cup of joe, and you’re good. Not for these entitled punks! No, they’ve got to question everything.
Why, one day last week I had my son over for breakfast. I thought it would be a simple thing, right? But when I get ready to make him a nice plate of bacon, he tells me “sorry, pop, I actually don’t eat meat.” Then I remembered those videos he always shares on Facebook, about factory farms. You know, call me crazy, but I think it’s rude to reject a hot plate of food placed in front of you. Guess that means the eggs are out, too, even though they aren’t even meat.
“So, what, are you just going to have toast?” I ask him. His eyes light up like I just mentioned the tastiest damn thing on the planet. But the times have changed, let me tell you what, because the two of us have an entirely different concept of just what the hell toast is. When I was a youngin, we were lucky to get a smear of butter on ours. Maybe a sprinkle of cinnamon sugar on special occasions. But my boy goes on to tell me with the excitement of a madman about this delicious toast he made himself the other day.
Oh lord. Here it is. That day, I had to confront the fact that my son, my baby boy, was one of them… avocado toast folks. He described how he mashed up a whole avocado to spread on a couple slices of bread. I was appalled. I mean… meat and eggs ain’t cheap, but at least you’re getting your protein, right? I good start to the day, some gas in your tank. But an avocado… you’d be lucky to get one of them for under two bucks. My son is blowing his whole paycheck on his healthy eating habits! When he got to the part of the story where he put spinach leaves on top, I had to stop him there.
Now, I gave him a long lecture about responsibility. You can’t just be throwing away your money on some fad diet. I know you want to be healthy, but I ate a good hearty breakfast all my life and I’m healthy as a horse. Meanwhile, he’s pushing thirty, still not married, and living in an apartment. Maybe if he had bought a few less avocados, he could have saved up for a house by now.
Of course, I love my son, but he and his entire generation need a good kick in the pants. You’ve got to learn to pick your battles, and he’s picking all the wrong ones. Shopping for locally grown produce while the golf and diamond industries are falling on hard times. Always worried about where something comes from. Couldn’t even drink a nice cup of coffee without asking me if the damn bean farmers were paid for their labor.
Oh lord. Here it is. That day, I had to confront the fact that my son, my baby boy, was one of them… avocado toast folks. He described how he mashed up a whole avocado to spread on a couple slices of bread. I was appalled. I mean… meat and eggs ain’t cheap, but at least you’re getting your protein, right? I good start to the day, some gas in your tank. But an avocado… you’d be lucky to get one of them for under two bucks. My son is blowing his whole paycheck on his healthy eating habits! When he got to the part of the story where he put spinach leaves on top, I had to stop him there.
Now, I gave him a long lecture about responsibility. You can’t just be throwing away your money on some fad diet. I know you want to be healthy, but I ate a good hearty breakfast all my life and I’m healthy as a horse. Meanwhile, he’s pushing thirty, still not married, and living in an apartment. Maybe if he had bought a few less avocados, he could have saved up for a house by now.
Of course, I love my son, but he and his entire generation need a good kick in the pants. You’ve got to learn to pick your battles, and he’s picking all the wrong ones. Shopping for locally grown produce while the golf and diamond industries are falling on hard times. Always worried about where something comes from. Couldn’t even drink a nice cup of coffee without asking me if the damn bean farmers were paid for their labor.