WASHINGTON D.C. – Suspicious noises coming from the lower levels of the White House prompted a member of the secret service, Jack Paulson, to plant a series of recording devices. Expecting to find a raccoon rooting through some garbage, Paulson instead stumbled upon a crucible of sweat and blood.
The video footage captured a handful of big names in the political world gathering every Saturday night in order to beat the shit out of each other. President Barack Obama—or as he insisted he be called, Barry Durden—seemed to be the ring-leader, calling the meeting to order with the rules of this “Fight Club,” a concept created by author Chuck Palahnuik.
The video footage captured a handful of big names in the political world gathering every Saturday night in order to beat the shit out of each other. President Barack Obama—or as he insisted he be called, Barry Durden—seemed to be the ring-leader, calling the meeting to order with the rules of this “Fight Club,” a concept created by author Chuck Palahnuik.
“Rule number one: you do not talk about fight club. Rule number two: You DO NOT talk about fight club. Rule number three: No one invites Trump.”
The Fight Club serves as a place for politicians, especially contenders for president, to duke it out somewhere other than the debates. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) stepped into the ring with Marco Rubio (R-Florida). Despite his flabby dad-bod, Cruz opened a can of whoopass on Rubio, leaving him tapping out after just thirty seconds.
“That guy’s a maniac,” Rubio later told Obama, nursing a fat lip. “If I had any doubts before, they’re gone now: he’s definitely the Zodiac Killer.”
After that particular Fight Club, Rubio dropped out of the presidential race.
These bouts of controlled violence weren’t reserved for just men, either. Unlike the film, women were regularly seen partaking in fights. Hillary “Hill-Dog” Clinton (D-New York) participated in quite a few fights, wrapped up in three sports bras (an exemption to the “no shirts, no shoes” rule). Hill-Dog dominated up-and-comer Carly Fiorina (R-Virginia) with her signature move, “The Lewinski,” taking the senator her down to her knees.
Sometimes these fights serve to calm the violent political landscape; presidential debates seem to be a little tamer when the candidates have been in the ring with each other the week before. Other times, the underlying tensions overwhelm the fighters.
Bernie Sanders (D-Vermont) had to be dragged away from a fight with Hill-Dog. The video recordings showed him punching her repeatedly with a roll of quarters in each fist, screaming “I’m taking the money out of Wall Street and shoving it straight up your ass!” This incident prompted a new rule to be added: No outside money in Fight Club.
It is unclear whether revealing the existence of the White House Fight Club will stop it or even slow it down. President Barack Obama indicated in his response to the issue that he had no plans of stopping it.
“Make no mistake: this Fight Club has been going on since before I was president, and it will continue long after. This is a necessary part of the political system. It lets folks release their anger towards each other, and reduce the deficit of trust that has built up between these two parties. I for one wouldn’t have survived these eight years as president without knocking out a few of Mitt Romney’s teeth. Bet that little bitch is glad we have affordable healthcare now.”
The Fight Club serves as a place for politicians, especially contenders for president, to duke it out somewhere other than the debates. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) stepped into the ring with Marco Rubio (R-Florida). Despite his flabby dad-bod, Cruz opened a can of whoopass on Rubio, leaving him tapping out after just thirty seconds.
“That guy’s a maniac,” Rubio later told Obama, nursing a fat lip. “If I had any doubts before, they’re gone now: he’s definitely the Zodiac Killer.”
After that particular Fight Club, Rubio dropped out of the presidential race.
These bouts of controlled violence weren’t reserved for just men, either. Unlike the film, women were regularly seen partaking in fights. Hillary “Hill-Dog” Clinton (D-New York) participated in quite a few fights, wrapped up in three sports bras (an exemption to the “no shirts, no shoes” rule). Hill-Dog dominated up-and-comer Carly Fiorina (R-Virginia) with her signature move, “The Lewinski,” taking the senator her down to her knees.
Sometimes these fights serve to calm the violent political landscape; presidential debates seem to be a little tamer when the candidates have been in the ring with each other the week before. Other times, the underlying tensions overwhelm the fighters.
Bernie Sanders (D-Vermont) had to be dragged away from a fight with Hill-Dog. The video recordings showed him punching her repeatedly with a roll of quarters in each fist, screaming “I’m taking the money out of Wall Street and shoving it straight up your ass!” This incident prompted a new rule to be added: No outside money in Fight Club.
It is unclear whether revealing the existence of the White House Fight Club will stop it or even slow it down. President Barack Obama indicated in his response to the issue that he had no plans of stopping it.
“Make no mistake: this Fight Club has been going on since before I was president, and it will continue long after. This is a necessary part of the political system. It lets folks release their anger towards each other, and reduce the deficit of trust that has built up between these two parties. I for one wouldn’t have survived these eight years as president without knocking out a few of Mitt Romney’s teeth. Bet that little bitch is glad we have affordable healthcare now.”