(Candidate for "Sexiest Man of the Year") What’s the hot new trend on the dating scene? What are women absolutely dying for? It seems like the reign of the douchebag with his spray tan and incessant stream of “yoloswag” speak is officially at its end, making way for the new big thing: cleanliness.
The change occurred seemingly overnight. Apparently one too many girls woke up to some nameless a-hole breathing booze-tinted morning breath on her face, and the standards were raised.
The change occurred seemingly overnight. Apparently one too many girls woke up to some nameless a-hole breathing booze-tinted morning breath on her face, and the standards were raised.
Think about it; all you need to look good in today’s society is sufficient time to pump iron in the gym, enough money for a fifty dollar haircut at least once a month, and a mild to severe case of narcissistic personality disorder. But to maintain good hygiene? That takes some discipline.
“I used to be into washboard abs and bulging pectorals,” says pop sensation Taylor Swift. “But you know what’s weird? Nowadays, if I see floss in a guy’s bathroom, boom, done, you have me. Deodorant? Please marry me now. Of course, you have to be careful. My last boyfriend tried to impress me by brushing his teeth every night, but later I found out that he was just running the water and pretending to brush. We broke up shortly after that. I’m writing a song about it.”
So why the trend? Why are girls suddenly hot for actual body wash instead of axe body spray? Clean-shaven and not rugged? Field of lilacs instead of sweaty gym bag? Scientists are racing to find the answer.
“This sudden change supports my theory of a species-wide female consciousness,” says William Nye, a prominent researcher. “It seems that, as a defense mechanism, the female DNA has gone through a metamorphosis, moving on from a more primitive desire for muscles and masculinity to a refined taste for body-conscious, well-groomed guys.”
This development is considered a victory for a large category of single men who have been shepherded into the dreaded “friend-zone”. Now the nice guy doesn’t need rippling muscles to win the girl of his dreams, he just has to shower every day. However, a good number of these “friend-zoners” are surprised and outraged to discover that they are still undesirable, thanks to their poor hygiene.
“It’s just not fair,” says Leroy Jenkins, or as he is known online, ZOMGSLAYERXX32. “Evolution went ahead and just passed us over, the guys who aren’t attractive or clean. I mean, come on, when is it going to be my turn? When will having a very successful Level 90 Blood Elf Rogue who leads his own guild be the new desirable man? It doesn’t matter. You’ll all work for me some day anyway.”
Already there are self-help groups forming for these “dirt-zoned” men, who do not have access to things like toothpaste or conditioner. But for the rest of you, the clean ones, this is your time to shine. Literally. So polish those shoes, comb that hair, and bask in the glow of the new sexy.
“I used to be into washboard abs and bulging pectorals,” says pop sensation Taylor Swift. “But you know what’s weird? Nowadays, if I see floss in a guy’s bathroom, boom, done, you have me. Deodorant? Please marry me now. Of course, you have to be careful. My last boyfriend tried to impress me by brushing his teeth every night, but later I found out that he was just running the water and pretending to brush. We broke up shortly after that. I’m writing a song about it.”
So why the trend? Why are girls suddenly hot for actual body wash instead of axe body spray? Clean-shaven and not rugged? Field of lilacs instead of sweaty gym bag? Scientists are racing to find the answer.
“This sudden change supports my theory of a species-wide female consciousness,” says William Nye, a prominent researcher. “It seems that, as a defense mechanism, the female DNA has gone through a metamorphosis, moving on from a more primitive desire for muscles and masculinity to a refined taste for body-conscious, well-groomed guys.”
This development is considered a victory for a large category of single men who have been shepherded into the dreaded “friend-zone”. Now the nice guy doesn’t need rippling muscles to win the girl of his dreams, he just has to shower every day. However, a good number of these “friend-zoners” are surprised and outraged to discover that they are still undesirable, thanks to their poor hygiene.
“It’s just not fair,” says Leroy Jenkins, or as he is known online, ZOMGSLAYERXX32. “Evolution went ahead and just passed us over, the guys who aren’t attractive or clean. I mean, come on, when is it going to be my turn? When will having a very successful Level 90 Blood Elf Rogue who leads his own guild be the new desirable man? It doesn’t matter. You’ll all work for me some day anyway.”
Already there are self-help groups forming for these “dirt-zoned” men, who do not have access to things like toothpaste or conditioner. But for the rest of you, the clean ones, this is your time to shine. Literally. So polish those shoes, comb that hair, and bask in the glow of the new sexy.