("No one will forget your sacrifice, Little Timmy.") The nation is on high alert in regards to clown sightings in recent weeks. What started out as an uncomfortable prank has become a full-blown epidemic. Clowns have been reported in numerous locations: hiding in abandoned movie theatres, hitchhiking on lonely stretches of highways, and attempting to give pro-bono performances at birthday parties.
One town’s approach to this has been in the form of a sacrifice. With various household pets going missing and the solitary dirt road leading out of town randomly hosting notes from an unseen music box, the mayor proposed an unorthodox solution.
One town’s approach to this has been in the form of a sacrifice. With various household pets going missing and the solitary dirt road leading out of town randomly hosting notes from an unseen music box, the mayor proposed an unorthodox solution.
“We need to get ahead of this thing,” he said in a press conference. “As a gesture of goodwill, we will leave a child in the wilderness to appease our clown overlords. Perhaps then the souls of the entire town will be spared when they inevitably hunger again.”
Under this proposal, a child would be randomly selected and left several miles from town, near the epicenter of clown activity. If he was able to wander back without being taken or otherwise indisposed, the mayor would consider that a sign of peace from the clowns. If clown activity later increased, another sacrifice was “not out of the question.”
Other cities across America have taken a more hostile approach to the situation. National Guard troops have been posted at the outskirts of Lawrence, Kansas, and use of live ammunition has been authorized. Some cities have enacted Clown Internment Acts, allowing the imprisonment without trial of anyone wearing full-face makeup and/or a shiny red nose. However, several such camps have erupted into chaos, with glitter bombs distracting guards while inmates escaped in tiny getaway cars.
“I feel pretty good about this whole sacrifice thing,” the mayor went on to say. “Some parts of the US have erupted into full out warfare. But our sleepy little town has remained relatively peaceful under the enormous heel of the clowns. Compared to casualties suffered by the National Guard and millions in property damage elsewhere, I think a few missing children here and there is worth it.”
Under this proposal, a child would be randomly selected and left several miles from town, near the epicenter of clown activity. If he was able to wander back without being taken or otherwise indisposed, the mayor would consider that a sign of peace from the clowns. If clown activity later increased, another sacrifice was “not out of the question.”
Other cities across America have taken a more hostile approach to the situation. National Guard troops have been posted at the outskirts of Lawrence, Kansas, and use of live ammunition has been authorized. Some cities have enacted Clown Internment Acts, allowing the imprisonment without trial of anyone wearing full-face makeup and/or a shiny red nose. However, several such camps have erupted into chaos, with glitter bombs distracting guards while inmates escaped in tiny getaway cars.
“I feel pretty good about this whole sacrifice thing,” the mayor went on to say. “Some parts of the US have erupted into full out warfare. But our sleepy little town has remained relatively peaceful under the enormous heel of the clowns. Compared to casualties suffered by the National Guard and millions in property damage elsewhere, I think a few missing children here and there is worth it.”