​Frustrated and desperate, environmental activists have stepped up their game in recent weeks.  Despite the scientific community overwhelmingly agreeing that Global Climate Change is real, the United States Government has been hesitant to act.
 
Naturally, environmentalists are doing everything in their power to convince the government of the dangers posed by climate change. When hard scientific evidence continued to fall on deaf ears, they tried other methods—truth campaigns, protests, sharing videos of sad-looking polar bears with their conservative uncles—all to no avail.

​Did you know that Senator Kaine Dill Kelly voted 35 times to raise the deficit?  He proposed stealing money from our hardest working, wealthiest Americans in order to fund entitlements like free wifi for hipsters and healthcare.
 
Sentator Kelly thinks that Superman could beat Goku in a fight.
 
In 2014, Senator Kelly accidentally liked a tweet that called for punching kittens in the face.  He quickly unliked the tweet, but we know that it was no accident.  Kelly frequently punches his own cat in the face.
 
Senator Kelly is on record saying “do you ever think that maybe Thanos was right?”
 
It is rumored that Senator Kelly is actually a 117-year old vampire who is in a romantic relationship with an underage teen girl.  Yet he constantly lobbies for bills that would put pedophiles like him in jail.  Can we trust a hypocrite like this in office?
 
Senator Kelly reportedly watches a ton of anime.  He even has a body pillow that he says is his waifu.  He uses words like “baka” and “kawaii” in everyday conversation, and wears cat ears when he goes out to eat.  Kelly is a total otaku weeb nerd.
 
In a clear abuse of power, Senator Kelly once filibustered the senate for nearly thirteen hours so he could read aloud his novel.  He should clearly be picked up for a lucrative book deal rather than being in the US Senate.
 
When it comes time to vote this November, don’t vote for Kelly.  Vote for the other guy.
 
Kelly.  Wrong for Minnesota, right for a book deal.  Seriously, he’s really talented.  Someone pick up his manuscript.

​One of the biggest fights for the LGBT community has been the right for gay couples to adopt children.  Yet few people ask whether or not it is morally acceptable for such couples to own pets.  Is it crucial for the development of your fur baby to have a ‘mother’ and a ‘father’?  This question was highlighted at a gay pride parade in Minneapolis, Minnesota, when a heterosexual dog was forced to participate.
 
The dog, a sweet little pooch named Elton, was forced by his dads to wear a rainbow neckerchief to the event.  However, this clearly made Elton uncomfortable.

​It’s a great day for Socks & Moccasins.  Recently I was contacted by an agent from the Liberal Media, an organization that operates in the shadows to influence news outlets to lean to the left.  They told me that they enjoyed my blog and wished to become an official sponsor.  My first and only sponsor, by the way (hint hint).
 
This is fantastic news!  I’m a big fan of the Liberal Media.  As a liberal myself, I enjoy that a majority of major news stations, with the exception of Fox News, put out content that aligns with my worldviews, however biased that content may be.  The fact that they singled me out as someone who can further their agenda is really quite flattering.  It makes sense, though, as the ultimate goal of my satire blog is to facilitate the spread of socialism and encourage young people to experiment with homosexuality.

​A filibuster in the Senate ended Wednesday after nearly thirteen hours.  During this time, Senator Kaine Dill Kelly (D-MN) took to the podium and read aloud from the latest draft of the novel he had been working on, Anger Without a Home.
 
“This is a clear abuse of the filibuster,” said Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY). “The bill he’s obstructing is a commonsense healthcare measure that would easily pass if allowed to proceed to a vote.  That being said, the characters in his story are rich in personality.  By the end of chapter three I was really rooting for them.”

​DICKEY, AR – The world very nearly met its end earlier this week, when a research laboratory in the sleepy little town of Dickey experienced a deadly outbreak of a virus that killed people and reanimated them as zombies. This might have been the end of the world, had the infection not been met with unrelenting force from the townsfolk.  Many residents of Dickey own guns, whether for hunting, defense, or just for the sake of collecting them.  When the hordes of ravenous zombies spilled from the gates of the research center, citizens were quick to fight back.

​Medicine has made great strides today, as it was discovered that frequent contact with urine can turn one’s skin orange.  This solves a great many head-scratching cases of patients with this unique pigmentation and no obvious cause.

It appears that, in order for this to occur, urine must come in contact with the skin frequently and in large quantities.  Brief exposure, such as during a bathroom-related accident, will have no visible effect.  However, being pissed upon for pleasure, oftentimes during the sexual act of a “Golden Shower,” is the most common cause of unsightly orange skin coloration.
 
This explains why patients with this symptom oftentimes go undiagnosed.  Shame and embarrassment of this fetish can discourage mentioning it to a doctor, especially when Russian hookers are involved.
 
One way to identify those afflicted with urine-related discoloration is a lack of orange around the eyes.  This is because many who partake in Golden Showers wear goggles during the act for safety purposes.  Using this technique can help you discern which friends, loved ones, or illegitimate leaders enjoy getting pissed on.

CINCINNATI, OH – A memorial event for the six month anniversary of Harambe’s tragic death was rudely interrupted by a series of vulgar tweets from President Elect Donald Trump.
 
The service, hosted by Harambe’s wife Gladys, was meant to be a peaceful celebration of the life of a national hero.  Hundreds flocked to the service, held at the Cincinnati Zoo and Botanical Garden, where friends and loved ones could share stories about the beloved gorilla.  Caterers provided a wide variety of food, from raw meat to leafy greens, in order to satisfy the array of animals and humans in attendance.

​A group of soldiers is being prosecuted for taking up quarters in a private residence.  The squad of six, led by General Hamilton Lee Jameson, showed up at the front door of one Paul Adams, and demanded lodgings.  Adams, intimidated by their weapons and temporarily convinced by their reasoning, allowed them inside.
 
“They told me that it was my civic duty to provide a place for them to stay,” Adams stated in the police report. “And it made sense at first.  They were sacrificing their lives to protect this country.  Those brave men might’ve had to pitch a tent, or worse, hole up in a roach motel for the night.”

​WESTCHESTER COUNTY, NY - On the campaign trail, presidential hopeful Donald Trump has said a host of inflammatory things to people of various races and cultures.  While speaking to a crowd at a rally outside of New York, Trump meant to speak about one of his campaign promises, banning Muslims from the country.  However, a slip of the tongue led him down a different path.
 
“Donald J. Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of Mutants entering the United States,” he told the crowd.  Though Trump recognized his mistake, he noticed the crowd seemed supportive of the idea, and decided to roll with it. “Mutants are criminals.  They use their powers irresponsibly, cause property damage.  They’re evil.  And some, like the X-Men, are good people.”

​An embarrassing situation unfolded during a phone conversation between a CEO and a U.S. Senator.  As head of New Dakota Oil, Rupert Coke was expressing his desire for reduced regulations on hydraulic fracturing in the state.  However, when the conversation naturally veered towards under-the-table compensation, Coke played the wrong card.
 
“I accidentally offered Senator Crat a sexual favor.  It was a mistake,” Coke clarified to interviewers. “What I meant to offer him was ten thousand dollars in unmarked bills for his continued support of my company.  But for some reason, when I reached into my bag of bribery, I took ahold of the wrong trick, and offered him oral sex.”

WASHINGTON D.C. – Suspicious noises coming from the lower levels of the White House prompted a member of the secret service, Jack Paulson, to plant a series of recording devices.  Expecting to find a raccoon rooting through some garbage, Paulson instead stumbled upon a crucible of sweat and blood.

The video footage captured a handful of big names in the political world gathering every Saturday night in order to beat the shit out of each other.  President Barack Obama—or as he insisted he be called, Barry Durden—seemed to be the ring-leader, calling the meeting to order with the rules of this “Fight Club,” a concept created by author Chuck Palahnuik.

​Virtue, Iowa, may seem like an ordinary American town at first glance.  However, it has something that has sparked quite a bit of controversy over time.  Situated in the park near city hall is a 200-year old statue, an authentic carving of the Greek Goddess Aphrodite that was shipped overseas and placed there during the very formation of the small town.  It’s value is beyond estimation.  However, there is one thing about it that has come under fire recently.
 
“The statue violates common decency,” says town mayor Russ T. Pecker. “It depicts a nude woman!  With her lady bits just hanging out there like it’s perfectly natural.  The sight makes me sick.  I don’t care how ‘priceless’ or ‘magnificently crafted’ that chunk of stone is.  I want it covered up, or I want it out of my town.”