​A late twenties man was rushed to the ER after experiencing a number of disturbing symptoms.  Eddie Blomquist, an ordinary single man with no history of chronic illness, was at a friend’s party having a great time when he reportedly began feeling strange.
 
“I don’t know what happened,” Blomquist told reporters from a hospital bed once he’d been stabilized. “I was talking to this woman.  A very pretty girl named Carrie.  She kept laughing at my jokes and touching my arm.  And then I just felt this sensation, like there were winged insects fluttering around inside my stomach.  I honestly thought I had some kind of parasite.  I spoke with my doctor about surgery, but he assured me it wasn’t necessary.”

​Society has been forced to reevaluate a piece of conventional wisdom recently, as a series of horrendous acts were committed.  The phrase “All’s Fair in Love and War” has been used for decades to justify taking drastic measures to achieve victory in either armed conflict or romantic endeavor.  However, there are these things called war crimes that make the latter part of the statement demonstrably false.  And now, bachelors on the modern dating scene are pushing the limits of the former.

​In Chicago, a man apparently deployed mustard gas to an entire bar of single men, providing gas masks only to himself, any available women, and the bartender.  Once the chaos had died down, he was free to flirt with these women without the competition of the men he slaughtered, and was able to find a date despite his unsightly physical appearance.  However, his actions have been criticized by the International Criminal Court, who claim that he went “a little too far.”  The man has been jailed, and will only be able to see with his new girlfriend during conjugal visits.

Famous serial killer “Greg Reaper” once shook the foundations of Hollywood, starring in blockbuster hit after blockbuster hit.  His filmography includes seven original movies, from The Reaping to Reaping: The Final Chapter, a series of crossovers in which he went head to head with the star of the Bloodcurdled Franchise, as well as a soft reboot that featured him in a secondary villain role, The Reaper Returns.  Now, he has retired from acting as well as killing, and has started a new career as a graphic designer.  Today, he has agreed to discuss his career with us.
 
Q: Thank you so much for meeting with me for this interview!  I am a big fan of your work.  Yours is a bit of an unorthodox career, is it not?  While many other horror movies feature actors portraying supernatural killers, Hollywood recruited you from the streets.  Would you take us through your career before you hit the big screen?
 
A: I would be happy to.  It all started when I was just a young, inexperienced serial killer.  I hadn’t really found my identity yet.  My kills were simply acts of whimsy, someone who happened to wander down a dark alley or a group of teens trespassing in an abandoned building who decide to split up.  Crimes of opportunity, rather than a real passion for my craft.  Back then I was just Greg.  But then inspiration struck me.  I started wearing the mask, and making my kills with a scythe, and that was how Greg Reaper was born.  I think that was what caught Hollywood’s attention, because it wasn’t long after that I was approached to make The Reaping.

With Werewolf populations on a dangerous rise in recent years, researchers at the Society for Preternatural Preservation have been desperate for a solution.  While birth and death rates have been about equal for more developed monster species such as Vampires, Ghouls, and Goblins, Werewolves have continued to breed at an unsustainable rate.
 
Various containment strategies have proved only marginally successful.  Contraceptives were provided to Werewolf populations, but in most cases the condoms were immediately chewed up and spat out while they refused to take birth control pills even when they were hidden in spoonfuls of peanut butter.   A Trap, Neuter, and Return (TNR) policy was attempted, in which feral Werewolves were taken in by vets, spayed or neutered, and re-released.  Yet not long after it was discovered that the natural healing factors of the creatures quickly made them fertile again.  More staunch opponents to feral Werewolves have advocated for kill policies, as prey animals such as birds and unattended children are hunted to extinction and traffic accidents soar as Werewolves are hit by cars.

​One of the biggest fights for the LGBT community has been the right for gay couples to adopt children.  Yet few people ask whether or not it is morally acceptable for such couples to own pets.  Is it crucial for the development of your fur baby to have a ‘mother’ and a ‘father’?  This question was highlighted at a gay pride parade in Minneapolis, Minnesota, when a heterosexual dog was forced to participate.
 
The dog, a sweet little pooch named Elton, was forced by his dads to wear a rainbow neckerchief to the event.  However, this clearly made Elton uncomfortable.

​It’s a great day for Socks & Moccasins.  Recently I was contacted by an agent from the Liberal Media, an organization that operates in the shadows to influence news outlets to lean to the left.  They told me that they enjoyed my blog and wished to become an official sponsor.  My first and only sponsor, by the way (hint hint).
 
This is fantastic news!  I’m a big fan of the Liberal Media.  As a liberal myself, I enjoy that a majority of major news stations, with the exception of Fox News, put out content that aligns with my worldviews, however biased that content may be.  The fact that they singled me out as someone who can further their agenda is really quite flattering.  It makes sense, though, as the ultimate goal of my satire blog is to facilitate the spread of socialism and encourage young people to experiment with homosexuality.

OKOBOJI, IA – A heartbreaking farewell is taking place today on the shores of Lake Okoboji.  Trevor Cordes, a former insurance adjuster, is leaving behind his life on dry land to join a crew of pirates.  This has included quitting his job, vacating his apartment, and sadly, bidding farewell to his longtime girlfriend.
 
“I just couldn’t live like this anymore,” Cordes told reporters on the dock, with his crew floating just offshore waiting for him. “My job felt soulless.  The bills kept piling up.  Society kept blaming me and my entire generation for slaughtering entire industries with our buying habits.  I just got fed up.  So now I’m becoming a pirate.”

​High schools and colleges across the nation suffer from a chronic lack of funding for the arts. Music, theatre, drawing and painting, poetry and photography; these subjects generally rest on the edge of tumbling into the abyss of cut funding. However, the brilliant insight of experts in the field of economics say that this is actually helping the arts.

“The heads of these programs are always complaining about their non-existent budget,” said a Mr. Gree Disgood, businessman and majority stockholder for a number of construction companies in Minnesota. “Schools tend to allocate more funds towards new sports stadiums and fancy events for benefactors than to the arts. But is that such a bad thing?”

​Firefighters were unable to save yet another building from being burned down this week, a mansion belonging to prominent local researchers.  This is believed to be the work of a serial arsonist who remains at large.
 
“Someone needs to catch this sicko,” said Officer Jennifer Viridian, who is lead on the case. “He’s already burned down a local hospital and a convenience store, not to mention a pretty bad forest fire just outside of town.  The mansion this week is just his latest offense.  I almost caught him, too, but he escaped under the cover of the smokescreen.”

​DICKEY, AR – The world very nearly met its end earlier this week, when a research laboratory in the sleepy little town of Dickey experienced a deadly outbreak of a virus that killed people and reanimated them as zombies. This might have been the end of the world, had the infection not been met with unrelenting force from the townsfolk.  Many residents of Dickey own guns, whether for hunting, defense, or just for the sake of collecting them.  When the hordes of ravenous zombies spilled from the gates of the research center, citizens were quick to fight back.

​The prolific hacker group known as Anonymous has struck again, this time aiming to sew chaos among the chain of Mexican fast food restaurants, Chipotle.  They did so by hacking the chain’s computer system and automatically adding a charge for guacamole on every order, even if no guac is present.

​As the price of the addition is already a source of discontent among customers, the added charges spelled disaster for the company.

​This year has been an emotional roller coaster for Minnesota Vikings fans.  The team had a strong season, culminating in their last-second victory against the Saints, dubbed a “Minneapolis Miracle.”  That was all dashed to pieces when the Philadelphia Eagles defeated the Minnesota Vikings and secured their spot in the Super Bowl.  Now Minnesotans have the rare experience of hosting the team that denied them a home-state Super Bowl.  What’s worse is that the Eagles are notorious for having disrespectful and toxic fans, many of whom are headed over to Minnesota to watch their team play.

​​Solemaeus Al’Afrit, a supernatural entity known as a Djinn or “genie”, is preparing himself for the twentieth anniversary of his last wish granted.
 
Times have been tough for Solemaeus.  Demand for his services has taken a nosedive in the wake of skepticism and negative portrayal of his kind in fiction.  Despite the infinite cosmic power he possesses, modern humans have avoided him and his wish-granting services completely for the last two decades.
 
“It’s been hard lately, I’m not going to lie,” Solemaeus told reporters. “Back in the day, people were in awe of our godlike powers, and were more willing to take a chance on the grand promises we made them.  Nowadays, ‘stranger danger’ is the law of the land.  People take one look at me and assume I’m some homeless ex-convict or white supremacist.”

​In order to alleviate his pent-up sexual desires, Hans E. Guy, resorted to some unorthodox methods.  Single, 27, and “playing the field,” Guy attempted to replicate the feeling of touching a woman’s breast by groping his own unflexed pectoral.
 
“Yeah, been on my own a little while,” Guy told reporters late last night. “Don’t want to tie myself down to just one woman, you know?  But I do miss the feel of a nice breast.  On some lonely nights, I get creative.”

LOS ANGELES, CA – An area man walking to work stumbled upon a wall that had been spray painted.  The message upon it, “Fuck U,” seemed odd considering the enormous heart around the words.
 
“I wasn’t sure what to make of it,” the passing man said. “Is the message directed at me?  What does it mean?  I don't want to overthink this.”
 
Despite the harsh words, he felt as though the heart may have betrayed the true intent of the message, which was fondness towards him.  The scene occupied his mind for the rest of the day, and he made sure to pass by the same wall on the way home from work.
 
“I mean, what are we?” He asked the wall. “Am I reading into this wrong, or…”
 
This confusion was only deepened when he found more graffiti later that night, an image of a hand giving the middle finger with the words “U up?”