The Writing of Daniel Kilkelly
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Season 8 of 'Game of Thrones' to Have No New Character Deaths and Revive Old Characters

2/17/2019

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Picture("Winter is actually going to be pretty mild this year.")
​In a stunning change of tone for the hit HBO series ‘Game of Thrones’, show runners have confirmed that no characters will die in the final season.  This change is likely in response to criticism levelled against the show for being particularly brutal towards its cast.  Minnesota Senator Kaine Dill Kelly even put down the show for “killing my favorite character every damn season.”
 
The series, based on ‘A Song of Ice and Fire’ by George R.R. Martin, has remained mostly faithful to the books, to the point where even the most die-hard literature fans approve. 


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Interview with Greg Reaper, Retired Horror Movie Villain

10/15/2018

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Famous serial killer “Greg Reaper” once shook the foundations of Hollywood, starring in blockbuster hit after blockbuster hit.  His filmography includes seven original movies, from The Reaping to Reaping: The Final Chapter, a series of crossovers in which he went head to head with the star of the Bloodcurdled Franchise, as well as a soft reboot that featured him in a secondary villain role, The Reaper Returns.  Now, he has retired from acting as well as killing, and has started a new career as a graphic designer.  Today, he has agreed to discuss his career with us.
 
Q: Thank you so much for meeting with me for this interview!  I am a big fan of your work.  Yours is a bit of an unorthodox career, is it not?  While many other horror movies feature actors portraying supernatural killers, Hollywood recruited you from the streets.  Would you take us through your career before you hit the big screen?
 
A: I would be happy to.  It all started when I was just a young, inexperienced serial killer.  I hadn’t really found my identity yet.  My kills were simply acts of whimsy, someone who happened to wander down a dark alley or a group of teens trespassing in an abandoned building who decide to split up.  Crimes of opportunity, rather than a real passion for my craft.  Back then I was just Greg.  But then inspiration struck me.  I started wearing the mask, and making my kills with a scythe, and that was how Greg Reaper was born.  I think that was what caught Hollywood’s attention, because it wasn’t long after that I was approached to make The Reaping.


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Recipe for the PERFECT Guacamole

8/18/2018

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​Do you enjoy cooking?  Want to be the talk of the potluck?  Then have I got a recipe for you.  I have spent years perfecting my guacamole, and now, I’m sharing it with the world.  Have you ever received a marriage proposal based solely on the quality of your guac?  I have.
 
It was love at first bite.  She couldn’t help but pop the question immediately upon tasting that divine blend of jalapeños, cilantro, and finely diced onions.  We were happy at first.  How could you not be, in a relationship based around fresh produce and kitchen activities to share?  I would juice the lemons and limes while she shelled out avocados.  God, did that woman know her way around a big metal spoon.


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Suspected Arsonist Continues to Evade Authorities

5/31/2018

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​Firefighters were unable to save yet another building from being burned down this week, a mansion belonging to prominent local researchers.  This is believed to be the work of a serial arsonist who remains at large.
 
“Someone needs to catch this sicko,” said Officer Jennifer Viridian, who is lead on the case. “He’s already burned down a local hospital and a convenience store, not to mention a pretty bad forest fire just outside of town.  The mansion this week is just his latest offense.  I almost caught him, too, but he escaped under the cover of the smokescreen.”


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Minnesotans Rename Anything Philadelphia-Related Out of Spite for Eagles

2/1/2018

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Picture(This shall henceforth be known as the Viking Valhalla Victory Sandwich!)
​This year has been an emotional roller coaster for Minnesota Vikings fans.  The team had a strong season, culminating in their last-second victory against the Saints, dubbed a “Minneapolis Miracle.”  That was all dashed to pieces when the Philadelphia Eagles defeated the Minnesota Vikings and secured their spot in the Super Bowl.  Now Minnesotans have the rare experience of hosting the team that denied them a home-state Super Bowl.  What’s worse is that the Eagles are notorious for having disrespectful and toxic fans, many of whom are headed over to Minnesota to watch their team play.


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Let's Make 'Camp Rock 3' Happen - Hipster Music Reviews

4/3/2017

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Picture(Jasper Hans, Hipster Music Reviewer)
​Most people with good taste will groan at the mention of the Jonas Brothers or shrug at the distant memory of Demi Lovato’s show Sonny With a Chance.  These so-called stars went from their shameful Disney backgrounds to a bunch of poseurs producing mindless pop songs for the masses.
 
However, there is one gem whose light shines through the rushing waters of the mainstream, and that is Camp Rock.  The movie and its sequel captured the hearts and minds of everyone it reached, be it your typical Disney Channel viewer or a more sophisticated audience, such as myself.  The superb acting, dynamite soundtrack, and underlying message of not selling your soul to a big record company, combine to make these wonderful films.


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'The Matrix' to Get Prequel Trilogy

1/30/2017

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Following in the footsteps of Star Wars and The Hobbit, a prequel trilogy of films has been announced in The Matrix series.  Collectively titled “Matrix Zero,” they will take place preceding the events of the first film.
​
The trilogy will capitalize on all the things that made the originals so great—cutting edge graphics, philosophical undertones, and the stellar cast, most of whom were offered the opportunity to reprise their roles.


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Interview with Melinda the Mighty, Bringer of Peace to Warring Nations

9/19/2016

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For the first time in decades, representatives from the kingdoms of Crywyth and Astardodda are engaging in peace talks.  The war between these two nations, stemming from disputes over land and assassination attempts, has swallowed up soldiers and resources for generations.  However, the red haze of the blood feud was finally breached by a warrior, Melinda the Mighty.
 
Q: Thank you so much for meeting with me, Melinda.  I understand you wanted to keep things low-key; you are something of a celebrity, ever since single-handedly ending a centuries-old conflict!  Tell me, what was it like, a warrior like you doing so much to end the fighting?
 
A: Strange, to say the least.  I did not cross the great river into Astardodda with peace in mind.  In fact, I was only there in pursuit of a bounty.  When I brought in the severed head of Sloan the Slave Driver to collect the reward, I was invited to dinner in the court of King Tiras himself.  In his presence, I could not help but notice that he had no sense of the suffering this war was causing his people.  I felt it was my duty to knock some sense into that old fogey’s head.


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Seven Action Figures That, in Hindsight, Were Really Bad Ideas

8/22/2016

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Picture("U-nye-loo-lay-doo? Wee-tah-Cthulhu-R'lyeh-wgah'nagl-fhtagn!")
#1. Take-Apart, Put-Together Furby: These things were already pretty creepy with their soul-gazing eyes and voice box that seemed to like activating in the middle of the night.  But when the company, eager to capitalize on the success of the toy, released TAPT Furby, they rushed it and ended up creating a nightmarish product.  The instructions were exclusively in Vietnamese, and there didn’t seem to be enough parts, so more often than not you were left with an unfinished endoskeleton sitting on your desk.  The battery, of course, came pre-installed, so even while you built it, the thing could already blink and talk to you.


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Do You Play Pokémon Go?

8/8/2016

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"Ummm, no.  I don't recognize any of these 'original' Pokémon.  They should've done the game with the newest batch.  I'd rather see Chespin and Bunnelby instead of that stupid Bulba-mander or whatever."

Lizzy Young

Uber Driver
"Hellz to the yeah.  I've been waiting my whole life for this moment.  I even memorized the Pokérap.  Wanna hear?

Electrode, Diglett, Nidoran, Mankey
Venusaur, Rattata, Fearow, Pidgey!"

Ben Rogers

​Taco Bell Cashier
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"No, and I'm offended you asked.  I'm a part of the Pokémon Liberation Front (PLF), and I've made it my life's goal to destroy those who enslave Pokémon.  You remember that 'gas explosion' at the Pokémon gym on main street?  That wasn't no accident, fam."

Gertrude Bonhomme

Elementary School Teacher
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Miley Cyrus Was SO Much Better Seven Years Ago - Hipster Music Reviews

6/27/2016

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Picture(Jasper Hans, Hipster Music Reviewer)
​The history of music is filled with artists who lost their spark and went into a downward spiral.  Elvis Presley got fat and took a liking to white jump suits and drugs.  Green Day left behind their Punk-Rock roots in exchange for enormous piles of money.
 
But the worst offender in this regard is the girl we all love to hate: Miley Cyrus.  Or, as I prefer to think of her, Hannah Montana.  The young girl with a southern accent that took the world by storm with a brilliant combination of witty television and groundbreaking music.


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Marvel's Hawkeye to Finally Get Standalone Movie

6/7/2016

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Picture(Better see your eye doctor, because Hawkeye's coming at you in 2020!)
​The Marvel Cinematic Universe has a diverse cast of brilliant actors.  Chris Hemsworth looks like he could really be a Norse God, Robert Downey Junior has redefined the Iron Man character, and even obscure characters like the Guardians of the Galaxy have been revitalized by Chris Pratt’s incredible abs.
 
With a host of new heroes getting their own movies—Black Panther, Spider Man, Captain Marvel—fans have been demanding dedicated movies for members of the original Avengers team, including Black Widow and Hawkeye.  After Black Widow was speculated to get her own standalone, Jeremy Renner, who plays Hawkeye, was hurt at his exclusion.


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Concert Choir Performs Nude Show

5/10/2016

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Picture(Featuring a reenactment of the famous "Here's Johnny!" scene from The Shining set to music)
OKOBOJI, IA - ​The University of Okoboji Concert Choir is shocking Iowa with their latest announcement.  This April they will be putting on a nude concert, the “first of many to come.”  In honor of the warm weather, the show is called “Shades of Spring,” and will showcase the students in their most natural state with a selection of songs to celebrate the beauty of the human body.
 
“At first I was a little unsure,” said Thomas Bagwell (nicknamed “T-Bag”), an alto and senior at U of O. “But Eventually I warmed up to the idea.  I’ve got nothing to hide.  And after a few rehearsals I’ve really come to appreciate this concept of showing how magnificent the body is without clothes.”
 
The set list includes a blend of genres, with songs such as “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes,” an A Capella version of “My Humps” by the Black Eyed Peas, “Take it Off” by Ke$ha, and a medley of songs by the Barenaked Ladies.


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'Supernatural' Renewed for Nine Additional Seasons

4/25/2016

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​Fans rejoiced when creator Eric Kripke confirmed that his hit series, Supernatural, would be returning for an additional nine seasons.
 
Originally intended for a total of five seasons, the overwhelming support of the fans has kept the show alive.  Showing no signs of stopping, Kripke and the other writers got together and sketched out a grand storyline to tie everything up in a neat twenty-season bundle.


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'Doctor Who' Fan Always Points Out This One Random Door

3/26/2016

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Picture(Don't blink or you'll miss it!)
​Family and friends of Amelia Moody all report a peculiar phenomenon. Whenever driving through town with the eccentric 24-year old, she never fails to point out the blue door on main street.
 
“Oh my god!” She reportedly said on a casual drive with her friend Marta. “See that blue door there?  It looks just like the Tardis!  That’s so cool.”
 
Amelia is a fan of the British television show “Doctor Who.”  She refers to herself as a “Whovian,” and on some occasions the even more confusing “SuperWhoLockian,” which never fails to perplex present company.
 
“It’s a show about aliens or something,” says her co-worker Richard Donovan, who carpools with her to work twice a week. “I never got into it.  But I’m tempted to watch a few episodes just to figure out what’s so special about that ***king door.”


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    • Season 8 of 'Game of Thrones' to Have No New Character Deaths
    • Man Hospitalized for Butterflies in Stomach
    • Millenials Must be Stopped!
    • Apparently, All's NOT Fair in Love and War
    • Environmentalists Protest by Streaking
    • Don't Vote for Kaine Dill Kelly!
    • Interview with Greg Reaper, Retired Horror Movie Villain
    • Spooky is the New Sexy
    • Beard Popularity Helps Werewolf Integration
    • Should Brett Kavanaugh's Sexual Assault Allegations Disqualify Him?
    • Straight Dog Forced to Attend Gay Pride Parade
    • My Blog Got Sponsored by the Liberal Media!
    • Man Leaves Girlfriend Behind for Life of Lake Piracy
    • Woman Seeks Man, No Kids, Non-Smoker, Proud Member of the Horde
    • Recipe for the PERFECT Guacamole
    • Lack of Fine Arts Funding Actually Beneficial for Creativity
    • Suspected Arsonist Continues to Evade Authorities
    • Senator Filibusters a Bill so he can Read Aloud his Novel
    • Zombie Apocalypse Stopped in its Tracks by Gun Owners
    • Anonymous Hacks Chipotle, Upcharges All Customers for Guacamole
    • Minnesotans Rename Anything Philadelphia-Related Out of Spite for Eagles
    • Down on his Luck Genie Can't Find Work
    • Grizzly With Polar Bear Fetish Actually Okay With Global Warming
    • Let's Make 'Camp Rock 3 Happen' - Hipster Music Reviews
    • Horny Man Holds Own Chest, Pretending it's a Breast
    • St. Patrick's Day is a Menace and Must be Stopped!
    • Passerby Gets Mixed Signals from Graffiti
    • Rejected Cosmo Sex Tips
    • No More Hand Jobs Allowed in the 'Tunnel of Love'
    • 'The Matrix' to Get Prequel Trilogy
    • Scientists Discover Repeated Exposure to Urine Turns Skin Orange
    • Top New Phobias of 2016
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    • Man Thinks Hard About Grapefruit
    • 3rd Amendment Violation Goes to Court
    • How Will You Spend Election Day?
    • 'Make Your Own Voodoo Doll' School Project Met With Controversy
    • Vampires Raised in Captivity Too Lazy to be Released Into Wild
    • Third Generation Alien-American Discusses Immigration
    • Child Sacrifice Made to Appease Clowns
    • Worst Places to Get an Erection
    • Kick Him When He's Down: New Fighting Style for Assholes
    • Interview with Melinda the Mighty, Bringer of Peace to Warring Nations
    • Customer Put on Hold For Twelve F***ing Minutes
    • NSFW Material Viewed at Work
    • Advice Column: Ask a Professor Who's Sick of His Pretentious Students
    • Seven Action Figures That, in Hindsight, Were Really Bad Ideas
    • Naked in the Woods: Life Advice From Lief Brookson
    • Do You Play Pokémon Go?
    • Trump Accidentally Insults Mutants From 'X-Men' in Speech, Decides to Just Roll With It
    • HOLY SHIT, THAT BABY DEER IS SO FUCKING CUTE!
    • Poltergeist Sucks at His Job
    • Miley Cyrus Was SO Much Better Seven Years Ago - Hipster Music Reviews
    • Father Way Too Fit for his Advanced Age
    • Pair of Streakers Arrested
    • Marvel's Hawkeye to Finally Get Standalone Movie
    • CEO Meaning to Bribe Politician Accidentally Offers Sexual Favor
    • Old Man Arrested for Publicly Making Love to his Tonic and Gin
    • Concert Choir Perfoms Nude Show
    • Fight Club Discovered in Basement of the White House
    • Supernatural Renewed for Nine Additional Seasons
    • What's Your Opinion on Putting Harriet Tubman on the $20 Bill?
    • Anti-Stupidity Vaccines are a Flop Among Stupid People
    • Advice Column: Ask a Radio DJ Doing a Slow Jam
    • Mayor to Censor 200-Year Old Statue
    • 'Doctor Who' Fan Always Points Out This One Random Door
    • Signs Your Guy Might Secretly be Rocking the Man Bun
    • Grandmother Shocked by Family Members Adding "In Bed" to Fortunes
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    • Gun Debate Goes Postal
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