​A late twenties man was rushed to the ER after experiencing a number of disturbing symptoms.  Eddie Blomquist, an ordinary single man with no history of chronic illness, was at a friend’s party having a great time when he reportedly began feeling strange.
 
“I don’t know what happened,” Blomquist told reporters from a hospital bed once he’d been stabilized. “I was talking to this woman.  A very pretty girl named Carrie.  She kept laughing at my jokes and touching my arm.  And then I just felt this sensation, like there were winged insects fluttering around inside my stomach.  I honestly thought I had some kind of parasite.  I spoke with my doctor about surgery, but he assured me it wasn’t necessary.”

​Society has been forced to reevaluate a piece of conventional wisdom recently, as a series of horrendous acts were committed.  The phrase “All’s Fair in Love and War” has been used for decades to justify taking drastic measures to achieve victory in either armed conflict or romantic endeavor.  However, there are these things called war crimes that make the latter part of the statement demonstrably false.  And now, bachelors on the modern dating scene are pushing the limits of the former.

​In Chicago, a man apparently deployed mustard gas to an entire bar of single men, providing gas masks only to himself, any available women, and the bartender.  Once the chaos had died down, he was free to flirt with these women without the competition of the men he slaughtered, and was able to find a date despite his unsightly physical appearance.  However, his actions have been criticized by the International Criminal Court, who claim that he went “a little too far.”  The man has been jailed, and will only be able to see with his new girlfriend during conjugal visits.

​What’s the hot new trend on the dating scene?  Guys, you can stop working on your abs or shaving the side of your head.  A comprehensive nationwide study has concluded that the one thing guaranteed to drive the ladies crazy is being spooky.
 
That’s right, better start working on those Halloween costumes now!  If you’re eerie, ghostly, undead, or above all else spooktacular, you will be turning some heads.  This year was a total upset for People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive”, as front runners Idris Elba and Chris Hemsworth were eclipsed by the inclusion of a number of creepy candidates who have won over the hearts of the nation.

​Hey there!  My name is Go’Shanna the Bloodrunner.  I’m just looking for a nice guy who wants to have a little fun and is available to raid with me on Saturdays and Sundays.  Only looking for Hordies, so swipe right if you’re Alliance scum.  Not interested in Goblins or Pandas though, sorry guys.
 
Some things about me:
ESTP, Slytherin, Warrior main, Rogue alt.  Pretending WoD didn’t happen.  I happen to think orc females are sexy as fuck, so if you can’t handle tusks or muscles on a woman, you can’t handle me.

​Global Climate Change has negatively affected many species, one of the most prominent being the polar bear.  As ice caps melt and their habitat recedes with it, polar bear populations have declined in recent years, and will continue to do so as global temperatures increase.
 
However, this change is not all negative.  With polar bears forced to move south, contact between this species and grizzly bears is becoming more common.  At least one bear, a grizzly named Katow-jo, has benefitted from the change.

​In order to alleviate his pent-up sexual desires, Hans E. Guy, resorted to some unorthodox methods.  Single, 27, and “playing the field,” Guy attempted to replicate the feeling of touching a woman’s breast by groping his own unflexed pectoral.
 
“Yeah, been on my own a little while,” Guy told reporters late last night. “Don’t want to tie myself down to just one woman, you know?  But I do miss the feel of a nice breast.  On some lonely nights, I get creative.”

LOS ANGELES, CA – An area man walking to work stumbled upon a wall that had been spray painted.  The message upon it, “Fuck U,” seemed odd considering the enormous heart around the words.
 
“I wasn’t sure what to make of it,” the passing man said. “Is the message directed at me?  What does it mean?  I don't want to overthink this.”
 
Despite the harsh words, he felt as though the heart may have betrayed the true intent of the message, which was fondness towards him.  The scene occupied his mind for the rest of the day, and he made sure to pass by the same wall on the way home from work.
 
“I mean, what are we?” He asked the wall. “Am I reading into this wrong, or…”
 
This confusion was only deepened when he found more graffiti later that night, an image of a hand giving the middle finger with the words “U up?”

Are things a little stale in the bedroom? Need to turn up the heat on your relationships?  These sex tips were too spicy even for Cosmopolitan Magazine, but if this kind of thing suits your tastes, you're in for a treat.
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-Oil up your man, then roll him in bread crumbs.  Heat oven to 450 degrees.  Cook for thirty to forty minutes, or until fork tender.

-Apply marshmallow topping to his love-stick.  Add a chunk of succulent Hershey’s chocolate and then sandwich it between two graham crackers.

​This is a friendly reminder from park staff:  The wildly popular attraction, Tunnel of Love, is a privilege to guests of the park, not a right.  Recent events have made it necessary to revise our rules.

If these rules are not followed, guests will be asked to leave the park, and may even be blacklisted from future attendance. Please refresh yourself on the list below, and note that a new rule has been added.

Online dating can be a treacherous place, full of desperation, rejection, and dick pics.  Some people, men in particular, have had little to no luck on sites such as Tinder, OkCupid, and Black People Meet.  However, a recent study in which over 2000 women on such sites were interviewed has provided the answer to these mens' prayers.  It set out to identify the single most effective way to get a prospective woman to message you back.  The study showed that making clever puns in your profile pic as well as that in that initial message is a guaranteed panty dropper.

If you wish to make use of these failsafe technique yourself, you need to be educated in the art of making puns.  Take a look at the suggestive photos below, and choose the correct witty caption to accompany it.

1. Which of the following captions will allow you to effectively slide right into her DM's?

A. I'm no stranger to piles of rod-shaped objects.

B. My name is Dexter, and I'm a lumberjack.
​
C. Hello ladies.  I've got wood.

​Two friends were spotted relaxing in Maplewood Park this afternoon, enjoying the calm weather and lying in the shade of a tree.

While the woman was close to drifting off to sleep with her head resting on the man’s stomach, his mind was filled, by necessity, with unpleasant thoughts.
 
“Grapefruit, grapefruit, grapefruit,” the man mentally repeated. “Spiders.  Pimples.  Baseball!”

​​According to a friend, the young man and woman are not, in fact, dating.  However, witnesses state that they have grown increasingly flirtatious with each other in recent weeks.  The fact that the woman was comfortable using his stomach and upper thigh as a pillow seemed to be a step towards a budding romantic relationship.

We’ve all been there, ladies.  You find a great guy who’s a charmer online, but when you meet him, he’s got his hair tied on top of his head like an worn-out teen girl working the drive-thru at McDonalds.

Here are some warning signs to weed out men rocking the Man Bun before getting serious:
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• He always wears hats in his profile pictures with a suspicious bulge in back, like a reverse unicorn.
• The lock screen on his smart phone is just a picture of Jared Leto.
• Is always asking your opinion of various baked goods, such as crescents, rolls, and muffins, as though testing the waters…
• His closet contains Chukka boots, Chino pants, and at least three flannel shirts.
• Quit his job as a barista because the coffee shop he worked at wouldn’t switch to biodegradable to-go cups.
• Has mentioned, even once, that shampooing every day can be bad for your hair.
• Frequently wears t-shirts from Microbreweries, and often brings up “Growlers” in conversation.
• His nickname is “Yeast Infection” (a warning sign regardless of having a man bun).

This is just a friendly reminder to all guests of the Public Library.  This facility is primarily a center for learning, and although it is also acceptable to relax on the couches or use the computers, the city council… I can’t believe we have to expressly state this… seeks to emphasize that it is not a space for any sexual activities.

Since the beginning of summer, there have been a surprising number of violations of this unspoken rule.  Public safety was called in to the bathrooms on the first floor to break up a young couple getting it on.  A volunteer on duty was made very uncomfortable upon discovering some hand-to-hand action in the elevator.  The conference rooms on the fifth floor were not being used for conferences, unless you count genetalia conferences.   The librarian was shocked to find a steamy scene unfolding on the extreme quiet floor, although admits she was impressed that they were so quiet about it.  The tipping point was when a couple got so caught up in the moment that they did their business on top of a knocked over pile of periodicals and a book of haiku's.

Keep in mind that the library is a privilege, not a right.  The library staff encourages you to keep everything in your pants except for a healthy love of reading.

What’s the hot new trend on the dating scene?  What are women absolutely dying for?  It seems like the reign of the douchebag with his spray tan and incessant stream of “yoloswag” speak is officially at its end, making way for the new big thing: cleanliness.

The change occurred seemingly overnight. Apparently one too many girls woke up to some nameless a-hole breathing booze-tinted morning breath on her face, and the standards were raised.