​​Solemaeus Al’Afrit, a supernatural entity known as a Djinn or “genie”, is preparing himself for the twentieth anniversary of his last wish granted.
 
Times have been tough for Solemaeus.  Demand for his services has taken a nosedive in the wake of skepticism and negative portrayal of his kind in fiction.  Despite the infinite cosmic power he possesses, modern humans have avoided him and his wish-granting services completely for the last two decades.
 
“It’s been hard lately, I’m not going to lie,” Solemaeus told reporters. “Back in the day, people were in awe of our godlike powers, and were more willing to take a chance on the grand promises we made them.  Nowadays, ‘stranger danger’ is the law of the land.  People take one look at me and assume I’m some homeless ex-convict or white supremacist.”

​By Seamus O’Malley
 
Do you, like many Americans, fancy St. Patrick’s Day?  Do ya wear green, go ‘round pinchin’ people or askin’ ‘em to kiss you?  Enjoy’tha Shamrock Shake from McDonalds?  Well guess what; you’re racist ‘n xenophobic, an’ prolly an arsehole ta boot.
 
All’a these traditions ya mock are what I an’ all true Irishmen do 365 days a year.  There be no joke, it’s our heritage; our culture.  Just like the Mexicans nerr take off them sombreros, our noble blood canna pump through our bodies without a BAC of at least .06.  Tha’s just scientific fact.

​Two friends were spotted relaxing in Maplewood Park this afternoon, enjoying the calm weather and lying in the shade of a tree.

While the woman was close to drifting off to sleep with her head resting on the man’s stomach, his mind was filled, by necessity, with unpleasant thoughts.
 
“Grapefruit, grapefruit, grapefruit,” the man mentally repeated. “Spiders.  Pimples.  Baseball!”

​​According to a friend, the young man and woman are not, in fact, dating.  However, witnesses state that they have grown increasingly flirtatious with each other in recent weeks.  The fact that the woman was comfortable using his stomach and upper thigh as a pillow seemed to be a step towards a budding romantic relationship.

​A group of soldiers is being prosecuted for taking up quarters in a private residence.  The squad of six, led by General Hamilton Lee Jameson, showed up at the front door of one Paul Adams, and demanded lodgings.  Adams, intimidated by their weapons and temporarily convinced by their reasoning, allowed them inside.
 
“They told me that it was my civic duty to provide a place for them to stay,” Adams stated in the police report. “And it made sense at first.  They were sacrificing their lives to protect this country.  Those brave men might’ve had to pitch a tent, or worse, hole up in a roach motel for the night.”

​Learning a martial art, such as Karate or Tae Kwon Do, is an excellent way to get exercise and learn some self-defense techniques while you’re at it.  However, most of these disciplines share a creed of non-violence in daily life.  Students are told never to use their incredible power unless there is no other choice.
 
However, a new fighting style has emerged in recent years that does away with that contradiction.  It’s called Kick Him When He’s Down, a martial art targeted at people who like beating the shit out of other people.

For the first time in decades, representatives from the kingdoms of Crywyth and Astardodda are engaging in peace talks.  The war between these two nations, stemming from disputes over land and assassination attempts, has swallowed up soldiers and resources for generations.  However, the red haze of the blood feud was finally breached by a warrior, Melinda the Mighty.
 
Q: Thank you so much for meeting with me, Melinda.  I understand you wanted to keep things low-key; you are something of a celebrity, ever since single-handedly ending a centuries-old conflict!  Tell me, what was it like, a warrior like you doing so much to end the fighting?
 
A: Strange, to say the least.  I did not cross the great river into Astardodda with peace in mind.  In fact, I was only there in pursuit of a bounty.  When I brought in the severed head of Sloan the Slave Driver to collect the reward, I was invited to dinner in the court of King Tiras himself.  In his presence, I could not help but notice that he had no sense of the suffering this war was causing his people.  I felt it was my duty to knock some sense into that old fogey’s head.

Dear Professor Who’s Sick of His Pretentious Students,
 
I feel like it’s hard for me to get noticed.  I go to a high school of over a thousand students, with an awesome football team, great theatre program, and an award-winning school newspaper.  There’s so much success around me that I just feel tiny in comparison.  How can I express myself when it just seems so meaningless in this place?

Sincerely,
Claustrophobic in Cleghorn
 
Dear Claustrophobic,
 
Being noticed isn’t always as important as it seems.  Sometimes just being an active participant is an accomplishment.  I can tell you what not to do, though, and that’s try to impress everyone with irrelevant knowledge.  Take, for example, a lecture at a local college.  If the professor who’s giving the lecture makes a point that you disagree with, I’d advise you not to interrupt the class with some fringe-theories from the clearly biased political blogs off of which you get your news.  That’s a waste of everyone’s time.  Don’t do that.  Hope that answers your question.

#1. Take-Apart, Put-Together Furby: These things were already pretty creepy with their soul-gazing eyes and voice box that seemed to like activating in the middle of the night.  But when the company, eager to capitalize on the success of the toy, released TAPT Furby, they rushed it and ended up creating a nightmarish product.  The instructions were exclusively in Vietnamese, and there didn’t seem to be enough parts, so more often than not you were left with an unfinished endoskeleton sitting on your desk.  The battery, of course, came pre-installed, so even while you built it, the thing could already blink and talk to you.

Are you tired of trying to scrape by in this harsh world?  Tired of working all day to pay bills while your dreams are pushed to the wayside?  I’m here to tell you that there’s another way.  You don’t have to live under the heel of the man’s steel-toed seal-leather boot.
 
The solution?  Get Naked, and go live in the Woods.
 
Ever since I started living Naked in the Woods, all of my problems have gone away.  The only rent I pay is the time spent building my modest tree fort, one of my oldest childhood dreams.  It allows me to rise above the filth and corruption of society—literally and figuratively—and live amongst the stars, as mankind was always meant to.

​THE WOODS – This morning, a man out for a morning jog discovered a baby deer watching him from the forest.  Leonard Brand, 32, described the critter as “just fuckin’ adorable.”
 
“I mean, fuck,” he told reporters. “I didn’t know a deer could be so goddamn cute.  Puppies are fucking cute as shit, and cats or whatever.  You never think of a deer being in that category, but son of a bitch, I’m fucking in love with this adorable asshole.”
 
Although Brand said he has no pets, he reportedly is in favor of cute things.

​Mark Kilkelly, 54, is redefining what it means to be in your fifties.  A decade ago we might’ve pictured someone desperately trying not to slide off the “middle-aged” curve right into the elderly slump.  However, Mr. Kilkelly not only skipped right over a mid-life crisis, but is also an inspiration to old guys everywhere.
 
“Keeping fit is just a hobby of mine,” Mr. Kilkelly said, only in a light sweat despite having just biked ten miles. “Helps me clear my head, makes me feel great.  It’s a nice little bonus that it keeps me healthy too.”

​An embarrassing situation unfolded during a phone conversation between a CEO and a U.S. Senator.  As head of New Dakota Oil, Rupert Coke was expressing his desire for reduced regulations on hydraulic fracturing in the state.  However, when the conversation naturally veered towards under-the-table compensation, Coke played the wrong card.
 
“I accidentally offered Senator Crat a sexual favor.  It was a mistake,” Coke clarified to interviewers. “What I meant to offer him was ten thousand dollars in unmarked bills for his continued support of my company.  But for some reason, when I reached into my bag of bribery, I took ahold of the wrong trick, and offered him oral sex.”

​Virtue, Iowa, may seem like an ordinary American town at first glance.  However, it has something that has sparked quite a bit of controversy over time.  Situated in the park near city hall is a 200-year old statue, an authentic carving of the Greek Goddess Aphrodite that was shipped overseas and placed there during the very formation of the small town.  It’s value is beyond estimation.  However, there is one thing about it that has come under fire recently.
 
“The statue violates common decency,” says town mayor Russ T. Pecker. “It depicts a nude woman!  With her lady bits just hanging out there like it’s perfectly natural.  The sight makes me sick.  I don’t care how ‘priceless’ or ‘magnificently crafted’ that chunk of stone is.  I want it covered up, or I want it out of my town.”

Can you imagine life without modern conveniences such as coffee, wireless internet, and Viagra?  For most, going without would be impossible.  For this man, it is daily life.

Aaron West, 68, has been living a simple life away from society.  He eats only what he can grow on his own modest plot of land, washes in the nearby stream, and takes long walks through the mountains whenever he can.  Like a devoted monk, he has left the insignificant pleasures of the world behind him.  Except for one thing.

“I love the booty,” West said in an interview. “It is my weakness, the chink in my armor.  I am a simple man living a simple life.  I haven’t watched television in thirty years.  I spent months in Tibet learning the ways of the monks that live there.  And I carry out a mostly celibate existence.  But when I see a big-booty Judy walking past, my willpower melts away.”