Online dating can be a treacherous place, full of desperation, rejection, and dick pics.  Some people, men in particular, have had little to no luck on sites such as Tinder, OkCupid, and Black People Meet.  However, a recent study in which over 2000 women on such sites were interviewed has provided the answer to these mens' prayers.  It set out to identify the single most effective way to get a prospective woman to message you back.  The study showed that making clever puns in your profile pic as well as that in that initial message is a guaranteed panty dropper.

If you wish to make use of these failsafe technique yourself, you need to be educated in the art of making puns.  Take a look at the suggestive photos below, and choose the correct witty caption to accompany it.

1. Which of the following captions will allow you to effectively slide right into her DM's?

A. I'm no stranger to piles of rod-shaped objects.

B. My name is Dexter, and I'm a lumberjack.
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C. Hello ladies.  I've got wood.

Dear Professor Who’s Sick of His Pretentious Students,
 
I feel like it’s hard for me to get noticed.  I go to a high school of over a thousand students, with an awesome football team, great theatre program, and an award-winning school newspaper.  There’s so much success around me that I just feel tiny in comparison.  How can I express myself when it just seems so meaningless in this place?

Sincerely,
Claustrophobic in Cleghorn
 
Dear Claustrophobic,
 
Being noticed isn’t always as important as it seems.  Sometimes just being an active participant is an accomplishment.  I can tell you what not to do, though, and that’s try to impress everyone with irrelevant knowledge.  Take, for example, a lecture at a local college.  If the professor who’s giving the lecture makes a point that you disagree with, I’d advise you not to interrupt the class with some fringe-theories from the clearly biased political blogs off of which you get your news.  That’s a waste of everyone’s time.  Don’t do that.  Hope that answers your question.

Are you tired of trying to scrape by in this harsh world?  Tired of working all day to pay bills while your dreams are pushed to the wayside?  I’m here to tell you that there’s another way.  You don’t have to live under the heel of the man’s steel-toed seal-leather boot.
 
The solution?  Get Naked, and go live in the Woods.
 
Ever since I started living Naked in the Woods, all of my problems have gone away.  The only rent I pay is the time spent building my modest tree fort, one of my oldest childhood dreams.  It allows me to rise above the filth and corruption of society—literally and figuratively—and live amongst the stars, as mankind was always meant to.

Dear Radio DJ Doing a Slow Jam,
 
My boyfriend and I have been dating for two weeks now, and things are great.  He’s romantic, has a car, and I just love that sexy man bun!  I think I want to take the next step with him.  Is it too soon?  I don’t want to seem like a slut, but I know we’re ready for more intimacy.  What should I do?
 
Sincerely,
Twitterpated in Tennessee
 

Dear Twitterpated,
 
Awww yeah.  This one goes out to my girl in Tennessee.  She’s been a long time listener and is asking for some love.  Who am I to deny her request?  Let’s hit it.  These two been together for fourteen hot, steamy, sexy days, and all that pent up energy is ready to burst.  She knows it might be wrong, but it feels oh so right.  Baby girl is gonna crack open a bottle of wine, light some candles, and embark on the slow and sensual trip to pound town.

With only a limited number of jobs for the next generation entering the workforce, it takes effort to get your boss to notice you.

You need to go the extra mile.  Just bringing them some Dunkin' Donuts in the morning doesn't cut it anymore.  

So here are some more creative tips guaranteed to make you stand out to your superiors:

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• Work weekends and holidays to please your boss.  Skype your family on Christmas during your lunch break and make sure to only cry when in the bathroom.
• Frequently compliment your female boss on finding success in this male-dominated workforce, despite having ovaries.
• Play “Gonna Fly Now” whenever they enter a room so they feel like Rocky Balboa.
• Offer to pick up his dry cleaning for him, then rub your scent on his sweater-vests.
• Add winky faces to all texts and emails to your boss.
• Drop pencils in front of him when you’re wearing shorts so he can see how toned your thighs are.  He will probably ask you to come to the gym with him.
• Pull fire alarms during your co-workers' in-office birthday parties.  Your boss will start to associate bad things with them.
• Add small amounts of highly addictive drugs to your boss’s coffee.  Whenever you’re out of the office, he will mistake his painful withdrawals for missing you.

Dear Mouschi,

I’ve had some bad luck in the dating field.  Things will be going great with a guy, we’ll go on a few dates, and then… nothing.  Why are they losing interest?  Is there something I should be doing to make myself more appealing to them?  Help me out here.

Sincerely,
Stood up in Sioux Falls



Dear Stood Up,

You need to work on your self-image, make yourself presentable to the world.  I would start with some heavy grooming—especially around the genitals.  This may take up to four hours of your time each night, but it is worth it.  Remove any particulates and get your coat clean and glossy.  When in doubt, err on the side of caution.  I once groomed my nether regions for six hours, broken up by intermittent naps, and boy, I’ve never felt cleaner!
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Dear Centuries-Old Stalker of the Night,

I’ve liked this girl from afar for months now.  She’s so beautiful.  She works the counter at the local coffee shop, and every time I hand her my stamp card and our fingers touch, I get chills.  How can I work up the nerve to talk to this girl?

-Caffeinated in Canada

Dear Caffeinated,

Stalking your first victim may seem daunting at first, my child, but once you have tasted that first blood, it will be much easier.  The hunger will greatly overpower the revulsion at what you must do.  Get to know your target: her schedule, her weaknesses, and whether you will be interrupted (if you choose her to feed upon) by a boyfriend or even a hunter of creatures of the night.  When the timing is just right, you will know it in your gut.  In the dark, perhaps in an alley or even in her home, bare that pale, supple neck, and dig your fangs in.