The Writing of Daniel Kilkelly
  • Home
  • Socks and Moccasins Blog
    • Archives
  • Writing Samples
  • Bookshelf
  • About Me
    • Bio
    • Links
    • Contact

Puns are the Way to Go in Online Dating

12/3/2016

0 Comments

 
Online dating can be a treacherous place, full of desperation, rejection, and dick pics.  Some people, men in particular, have had little to no luck on sites such as Tinder, OkCupid, and Black People Meet.  However, a recent study in which over 2000 women on such sites were interviewed has provided the answer to these mens' prayers.  It set out to identify the single most effective way to get a prospective woman to message you back.  The study showed that making clever puns in your profile pic as well as that in that initial message is a guaranteed panty dropper.

If you wish to make use of these failsafe technique yourself, you need to be educated in the art of making puns.  Take a look at the suggestive photos below, and choose the correct witty caption to accompany it.
Picture
1. Which of the following captions will allow you to effectively slide right into her DM's?

A. I'm no stranger to piles of rod-shaped objects.

B. My name is Dexter, and I'm a lumberjack.
​
C. Hello ladies.  I've got wood.


Read More
0 Comments

Advice Column: Ask a Professor Who's Sick of His Pretentious Students

8/29/2016

0 Comments

 
Picture(By James Ulcer, Political Science Professor)
Dear Professor Who’s Sick of His Pretentious Students,
 
I feel like it’s hard for me to get noticed.  I go to a high school of over a thousand students, with an awesome football team, great theatre program, and an award-winning school newspaper.  There’s so much success around me that I just feel tiny in comparison.  How can I express myself when it just seems so meaningless in this place?

Sincerely,
Claustrophobic in Cleghorn
 
Dear Claustrophobic,
 
Being noticed isn’t always as important as it seems.  Sometimes just being an active participant is an accomplishment.  I can tell you what not to do, though, and that’s try to impress everyone with irrelevant knowledge.  Take, for example, a lecture at a local college.  If the professor who’s giving the lecture makes a point that you disagree with, I’d advise you not to interrupt the class with some fringe-theories from the clearly biased political blogs off of which you get your news.  That’s a waste of everyone’s time.  Don’t do that.  Hope that answers your question.


Read More
0 Comments

Naked in the Woods: Life Advice From Lief Brookson

8/15/2016

0 Comments

 
Picture(Step 1: Get Naked. Step 2: Go in the Woods. Actually, maybe reverse that.)
Are you tired of trying to scrape by in this harsh world?  Tired of working all day to pay bills while your dreams are pushed to the wayside?  I’m here to tell you that there’s another way.  You don’t have to live under the heel of the man’s steel-toed seal-leather boot.
 
The solution?  Get Naked, and go live in the Woods.
 
Ever since I started living Naked in the Woods, all of my problems have gone away.  The only rent I pay is the time spent building my modest tree fort, one of my oldest childhood dreams.  It allows me to rise above the filth and corruption of society—literally and figuratively—and live amongst the stars, as mankind was always meant to.


Read More
0 Comments

Advice Column: Ask a Radio DJ Doing a Slow Jam

4/11/2016

0 Comments

 
Picture(Trevor Totiqa, advice columnist and radio DJ doing a slow jam)
Dear Radio DJ Doing a Slow Jam,
 
My boyfriend and I have been dating for two weeks now, and things are great.  He’s romantic, has a car, and I just love that sexy man bun!  I think I want to take the next step with him.  Is it too soon?  I don’t want to seem like a slut, but I know we’re ready for more intimacy.  What should I do?
 
Sincerely,
Twitterpated in Tennessee

 

Dear Twitterpated,
 
Awww yeah.  This one goes out to my girl in Tennessee.  She’s been a long time listener and is asking for some love.  Who am I to deny her request?  Let’s hit it.  These two been together for fourteen hot, steamy, sexy days, and all that pent up energy is ready to burst.  She knows it might be wrong, but it feels oh so right.  Baby girl is gonna crack open a bottle of wine, light some candles, and embark on the slow and sensual trip to pound town.


Read More
0 Comments

Tips for Sucking up to your Boss

12/14/2015

0 Comments

 
Picture(Protip: Offer to hold your boss's golf tee in your mouth so it doesn't get dirtry.)
With only a limited number of jobs for the next generation entering the workforce, it takes effort to get your boss to notice you.

You need to go the extra mile.  Just bringing them some Dunkin' Donuts in the morning doesn't cut it anymore.  

So here are some more creative tips guaranteed to make you stand out to your superiors:


​
  • Work weekends and holidays to please your boss.  Skype your family on Christmas during your lunch break and make sure to only cry when in the bathroom.
  • Frequently compliment your female boss on finding success in this male-dominated workforce, despite having ovaries.
  • Play “Gonna Fly Now” whenever they enter a room so they feel like Rocky Balboa.
  • Offer to pick up his dry cleaning for him, then rub your scent on his sweater-vests.
  • Add winky faces to all texts and emails to your boss.
  • Drop pencils in front of him when you’re wearing shorts so he can see how toned your thighs are.  He will probably ask you to come to the gym with him.
  • Pull fire alarms during your co-workers' in-office birthday parties.  Your boss will start to associate bad things with them.
  • Add small amounts of highly addictive drugs to your boss’s coffee.  Whenever you’re out of the office, he will mistake his painful withdrawals for missing you.

0 Comments

Advice Column: Ask a Kitty-Cat

5/17/2015

0 Comments

 
Picture(Mouschi, advice-columnist and kitty-cat)
Dear Mouschi,

I’ve had some bad luck in the dating field.  Things will be going great with a guy, we’ll go on a few dates, and then… nothing.  Why are they losing interest?  Is there something I should be doing to make myself more appealing to them?  Help me out here.

Sincerely,
Stood up in Sioux Falls




Dear Stood Up,

You need to work on your self-image, make yourself presentable to the world.  I would start with some heavy grooming—especially around the genitals.  This may take up to four hours of your time each night, but it is worth it.  Remove any particulates and get your coat clean and glossy.  When in doubt, err on the side of caution.  I once groomed my nether regions for six hours, broken up by intermittent naps, and boy, I’ve never felt cleaner!
​


Read More
0 Comments

Advice Column: Ask a Centuries-Old Stalker of the Night

5/5/2015

0 Comments

 
Picture
Dear Centuries-Old Stalker of the Night,

I’ve liked this girl from afar for months now.  She’s so beautiful.  She works the counter at the local coffee shop, and every time I hand her my stamp card and our fingers touch, I get chills.  How can I work up the nerve to talk to this girl?

-Caffeinated in Canada

Dear Caffeinated,

Stalking your first victim may seem daunting at first, my child, but once you have tasted that first blood, it will be much easier.  The hunger will greatly overpower the revulsion at what you must do.  Get to know your target: her schedule, her weaknesses, and whether you will be interrupted (if you choose her to feed upon) by a boyfriend or even a hunter of creatures of the night.  When the timing is just right, you will know it in your gut.  In the dark, perhaps in an alley or even in her home, bare that pale, supple neck, and dig your fangs in.


Read More
0 Comments

    Categories:

    Best Of
    ​Advice
    ​Dating
    Entertainment
    ​Opinion
    Politics

    Archives

    • Season 8 of 'Game of Thrones' to Have No New Character Deaths
    • Man Hospitalized for Butterflies in Stomach
    • Millenials Must be Stopped!
    • Apparently, All's NOT Fair in Love and War
    • Environmentalists Protest by Streaking
    • Don't Vote for Kaine Dill Kelly!
    • Interview with Greg Reaper, Retired Horror Movie Villain
    • Spooky is the New Sexy
    • Beard Popularity Helps Werewolf Integration
    • Should Brett Kavanaugh's Sexual Assault Allegations Disqualify Him?
    • Straight Dog Forced to Attend Gay Pride Parade
    • My Blog Got Sponsored by the Liberal Media!
    • Man Leaves Girlfriend Behind for Life of Lake Piracy
    • Woman Seeks Man, No Kids, Non-Smoker, Proud Member of the Horde
    • Recipe for the PERFECT Guacamole
    • Lack of Fine Arts Funding Actually Beneficial for Creativity
    • Suspected Arsonist Continues to Evade Authorities
    • Senator Filibusters a Bill so he can Read Aloud his Novel
    • Zombie Apocalypse Stopped in its Tracks by Gun Owners
    • Anonymous Hacks Chipotle, Upcharges All Customers for Guacamole
    • Minnesotans Rename Anything Philadelphia-Related Out of Spite for Eagles
    • Down on his Luck Genie Can't Find Work
    • Grizzly With Polar Bear Fetish Actually Okay With Global Warming
    • Let's Make 'Camp Rock 3 Happen' - Hipster Music Reviews
    • Horny Man Holds Own Chest, Pretending it's a Breast
    • St. Patrick's Day is a Menace and Must be Stopped!
    • Passerby Gets Mixed Signals from Graffiti
    • Rejected Cosmo Sex Tips
    • No More Hand Jobs Allowed in the 'Tunnel of Love'
    • 'The Matrix' to Get Prequel Trilogy
    • Scientists Discover Repeated Exposure to Urine Turns Skin Orange
    • Top New Phobias of 2016
    • President Elect Insults Widow of National Hero Harambe
    • Puns are the Way to Go in Online Dating
    • This Hammock is Totally Comfortable!
    • Man Thinks Hard About Grapefruit
    • 3rd Amendment Violation Goes to Court
    • How Will You Spend Election Day?
    • 'Make Your Own Voodoo Doll' School Project Met With Controversy
    • Vampires Raised in Captivity Too Lazy to be Released Into Wild
    • Third Generation Alien-American Discusses Immigration
    • Child Sacrifice Made to Appease Clowns
    • Worst Places to Get an Erection
    • Kick Him When He's Down: New Fighting Style for Assholes
    • Interview with Melinda the Mighty, Bringer of Peace to Warring Nations
    • Customer Put on Hold For Twelve F***ing Minutes
    • NSFW Material Viewed at Work
    • Advice Column: Ask a Professor Who's Sick of His Pretentious Students
    • Seven Action Figures That, in Hindsight, Were Really Bad Ideas
    • Naked in the Woods: Life Advice From Lief Brookson
    • Do You Play Pokémon Go?
    • Trump Accidentally Insults Mutants From 'X-Men' in Speech, Decides to Just Roll With It
    • HOLY SHIT, THAT BABY DEER IS SO FUCKING CUTE!
    • Poltergeist Sucks at His Job
    • Miley Cyrus Was SO Much Better Seven Years Ago - Hipster Music Reviews
    • Father Way Too Fit for his Advanced Age
    • Pair of Streakers Arrested
    • Marvel's Hawkeye to Finally Get Standalone Movie
    • CEO Meaning to Bribe Politician Accidentally Offers Sexual Favor
    • Old Man Arrested for Publicly Making Love to his Tonic and Gin
    • Concert Choir Perfoms Nude Show
    • Fight Club Discovered in Basement of the White House
    • Supernatural Renewed for Nine Additional Seasons
    • What's Your Opinion on Putting Harriet Tubman on the $20 Bill?
    • Anti-Stupidity Vaccines are a Flop Among Stupid People
    • Advice Column: Ask a Radio DJ Doing a Slow Jam
    • Mayor to Censor 200-Year Old Statue
    • 'Doctor Who' Fan Always Points Out This One Random Door
    • Signs Your Guy Might Secretly be Rocking the Man Bun
    • Grandmother Shocked by Family Members Adding "In Bed" to Fortunes
    • Move Over Kale, Four-Leaf Clovers are the New Superfood!
    • Should Marijuana be Legalized for Recreational Use?
    • Conservative Man Admits Global Warming Might be Real
    • Restaurant Adding Vegetarian Salad to the Menu
    • Tips for Sucking up to your Boss
    • Are You Excited for the Upcoming Season of 'Game of Thrones?'
    • Stranger Tells Child the Truth About his Lost Balloon
    • The Catholic Church Loves Gays
    • Dog on Side of the Road is "Just Sleeping", Kid Says
    • Woman Sued by Her Own Cat
    • Super Senior Still Hasn't Chosen Major
    • Man Leaves Behind All Worldly Pleasures (Except For Dat Ass)
    • God Smites Frisky Couple
    • Will You Vote for Hillary in 2016?
    • Parents Wrong, Studies Show That Life Really is Fair
    • Study Shows More College Students are Pirating Their Textbooks
    • Advice Column: Ask a Kitty-Cat
    • The "Trickle-Down" is Finally Here!
    • No Hanky-Panky in the Library
    • Man Learns What "Douchebag" Means
    • Giant Man-Eating Plant in Greenhouse
    • GOP to Overturn Women's Suffrage
    • Advice Column: Ask a Centuries-Old Stalker of the Night
    • Clean is the New Sexy
    • Gun Debate Goes Postal
    • Chupacabra Sighting
    • Disney Aims to Outspend 'Avatar' With New 'Star Wars'
    • Booze Found in Freshman's Dorm
    • Tom Gives us the "Dislike" Button
Proudly powered by Weebly