(Guess who's finally got a date? THIS GUY.) Society has been forced to reevaluate a piece of conventional wisdom recently, as a series of horrendous acts were committed. The phrase “All’s Fair in Love and War” has been used for decades to justify taking drastic measures to achieve victory in either armed conflict or romantic endeavor. However, there are these things called war crimes that make the latter part of the statement demonstrably false. And now, bachelors on the modern dating scene are pushing the limits of the former.
In Chicago, a man apparently deployed mustard gas to an entire bar of single men, providing gas masks only to himself, any available women, and the bartender. Once the chaos had died down, he was free to flirt with these women without the competition of the men he slaughtered, and was able to find a date despite his unsightly physical appearance. However, his actions have been criticized by the International Criminal Court, who claim that he went “a little too far.” The man has been jailed, and will only be able to see with his new girlfriend during conjugal visits.
In Chicago, a man apparently deployed mustard gas to an entire bar of single men, providing gas masks only to himself, any available women, and the bartender. Once the chaos had died down, he was free to flirt with these women without the competition of the men he slaughtered, and was able to find a date despite his unsightly physical appearance. However, his actions have been criticized by the International Criminal Court, who claim that he went “a little too far.” The man has been jailed, and will only be able to see with his new girlfriend during conjugal visits.
In New York, a middle-aged woman and self-proclaimed mad scientist was narrowly prevented from committing ethnic cleansing after discovering her intended was only into black girls. In a sleepy little town in Minnesota, enslaved child laborers were forced to build an effigy of undying love, an enormous statue of the sought-after woman, as a romantic gesture. Other cities have seen attempted genocide, eugenics, and biological warfare used in order to reduce the pool of competitors.
It is unclear what sparked all of these drastic actions—perhaps frustration with the modern dating scene—yet a brand new set of Geneva Conventions are being drafted to ban them in love in addition to war.
It is unclear what sparked all of these drastic actions—perhaps frustration with the modern dating scene—yet a brand new set of Geneva Conventions are being drafted to ban them in love in addition to war.