​In a stunning change of tone for the hit HBO series ‘Game of Thrones’, show runners have confirmed that no characters will die in the final season.  This change is likely in response to criticism levelled against the show for being particularly brutal towards its cast.  Minnesota Senator Kaine Dill Kelly even put down the show for “killing my favorite character every damn season.”
 
The series, based on ‘A Song of Ice and Fire’ by George R.R. Martin, has remained mostly faithful to the books, to the point where even the most die-hard literature fans approve. 

​A late twenties man was rushed to the ER after experiencing a number of disturbing symptoms.  Eddie Blomquist, an ordinary single man with no history of chronic illness, was at a friend’s party having a great time when he reportedly began feeling strange.
 
“I don’t know what happened,” Blomquist told reporters from a hospital bed once he’d been stabilized. “I was talking to this woman.  A very pretty girl named Carrie.  She kept laughing at my jokes and touching my arm.  And then I just felt this sensation, like there were winged insects fluttering around inside my stomach.  I honestly thought I had some kind of parasite.  I spoke with my doctor about surgery, but he assured me it wasn’t necessary.”

​by Murray Hale
 
You know what really grinds my beans?  The younger generation.  All of them.  But especially millennials.  They’ve got their priorities all mixed up.  Like breakfast!  In my day, you get your eggs and bacon, some toast and a cup of joe, and you’re good.  Not for these entitled punks!  No, they’ve got to question everything.
 
Why, one day last week I had my son over for breakfast.  I thought it would be a simple thing, right?  But when I get ready to make him a nice plate of bacon, he tells me “sorry, pop, I actually don’t eat meat.”  Then I remembered those videos he always shares on Facebook, about factory farms.  You know, call me crazy, but I think it’s rude to reject a hot plate of food placed in front of you.  Guess that means the eggs are out, too, even though they aren’t even meat.

​Society has been forced to reevaluate a piece of conventional wisdom recently, as a series of horrendous acts were committed.  The phrase “All’s Fair in Love and War” has been used for decades to justify taking drastic measures to achieve victory in either armed conflict or romantic endeavor.  However, there are these things called war crimes that make the latter part of the statement demonstrably false.  And now, bachelors on the modern dating scene are pushing the limits of the former.

​In Chicago, a man apparently deployed mustard gas to an entire bar of single men, providing gas masks only to himself, any available women, and the bartender.  Once the chaos had died down, he was free to flirt with these women without the competition of the men he slaughtered, and was able to find a date despite his unsightly physical appearance.  However, his actions have been criticized by the International Criminal Court, who claim that he went “a little too far.”  The man has been jailed, and will only be able to see with his new girlfriend during conjugal visits.

​Frustrated and desperate, environmental activists have stepped up their game in recent weeks.  Despite the scientific community overwhelmingly agreeing that Global Climate Change is real, the United States Government has been hesitant to act.
 
Naturally, environmentalists are doing everything in their power to convince the government of the dangers posed by climate change. When hard scientific evidence continued to fall on deaf ears, they tried other methods—truth campaigns, protests, sharing videos of sad-looking polar bears with their conservative uncles—all to no avail.

​Did you know that Senator Kaine Dill Kelly voted 35 times to raise the deficit?  He proposed stealing money from our hardest working, wealthiest Americans in order to fund entitlements like free wifi for hipsters and healthcare.
 
Sentator Kelly thinks that Superman could beat Goku in a fight.
 
In 2014, Senator Kelly accidentally liked a tweet that called for punching kittens in the face.  He quickly unliked the tweet, but we know that it was no accident.  Kelly frequently punches his own cat in the face.
 
Senator Kelly is on record saying “do you ever think that maybe Thanos was right?”
 
It is rumored that Senator Kelly is actually a 117-year old vampire who is in a romantic relationship with an underage teen girl.  Yet he constantly lobbies for bills that would put pedophiles like him in jail.  Can we trust a hypocrite like this in office?
 
Senator Kelly reportedly watches a ton of anime.  He even has a body pillow that he says is his waifu.  He uses words like “baka” and “kawaii” in everyday conversation, and wears cat ears when he goes out to eat.  Kelly is a total otaku weeb nerd.
 
In a clear abuse of power, Senator Kelly once filibustered the senate for nearly thirteen hours so he could read aloud his novel.  He should clearly be picked up for a lucrative book deal rather than being in the US Senate.
 
When it comes time to vote this November, don’t vote for Kelly.  Vote for the other guy.
 
Kelly.  Wrong for Minnesota, right for a book deal.  Seriously, he’s really talented.  Someone pick up his manuscript.

Famous serial killer “Greg Reaper” once shook the foundations of Hollywood, starring in blockbuster hit after blockbuster hit.  His filmography includes seven original movies, from The Reaping to Reaping: The Final Chapter, a series of crossovers in which he went head to head with the star of the Bloodcurdled Franchise, as well as a soft reboot that featured him in a secondary villain role, The Reaper Returns.  Now, he has retired from acting as well as killing, and has started a new career as a graphic designer.  Today, he has agreed to discuss his career with us.
 
Q: Thank you so much for meeting with me for this interview!  I am a big fan of your work.  Yours is a bit of an unorthodox career, is it not?  While many other horror movies feature actors portraying supernatural killers, Hollywood recruited you from the streets.  Would you take us through your career before you hit the big screen?
 
A: I would be happy to.  It all started when I was just a young, inexperienced serial killer.  I hadn’t really found my identity yet.  My kills were simply acts of whimsy, someone who happened to wander down a dark alley or a group of teens trespassing in an abandoned building who decide to split up.  Crimes of opportunity, rather than a real passion for my craft.  Back then I was just Greg.  But then inspiration struck me.  I started wearing the mask, and making my kills with a scythe, and that was how Greg Reaper was born.  I think that was what caught Hollywood’s attention, because it wasn’t long after that I was approached to make The Reaping.

​What’s the hot new trend on the dating scene?  Guys, you can stop working on your abs or shaving the side of your head.  A comprehensive nationwide study has concluded that the one thing guaranteed to drive the ladies crazy is being spooky.
 
That’s right, better start working on those Halloween costumes now!  If you’re eerie, ghostly, undead, or above all else spooktacular, you will be turning some heads.  This year was a total upset for People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive”, as front runners Idris Elba and Chris Hemsworth were eclipsed by the inclusion of a number of creepy candidates who have won over the hearts of the nation.

With Werewolf populations on a dangerous rise in recent years, researchers at the Society for Preternatural Preservation have been desperate for a solution.  While birth and death rates have been about equal for more developed monster species such as Vampires, Ghouls, and Goblins, Werewolves have continued to breed at an unsustainable rate.
 
Various containment strategies have proved only marginally successful.  Contraceptives were provided to Werewolf populations, but in most cases the condoms were immediately chewed up and spat out while they refused to take birth control pills even when they were hidden in spoonfuls of peanut butter.   A Trap, Neuter, and Return (TNR) policy was attempted, in which feral Werewolves were taken in by vets, spayed or neutered, and re-released.  Yet not long after it was discovered that the natural healing factors of the creatures quickly made them fertile again.  More staunch opponents to feral Werewolves have advocated for kill policies, as prey animals such as birds and unattended children are hunted to extinction and traffic accidents soar as Werewolves are hit by cars.

​One of the biggest fights for the LGBT community has been the right for gay couples to adopt children.  Yet few people ask whether or not it is morally acceptable for such couples to own pets.  Is it crucial for the development of your fur baby to have a ‘mother’ and a ‘father’?  This question was highlighted at a gay pride parade in Minneapolis, Minnesota, when a heterosexual dog was forced to participate.
 
The dog, a sweet little pooch named Elton, was forced by his dads to wear a rainbow neckerchief to the event.  However, this clearly made Elton uncomfortable.

​It’s a great day for Socks & Moccasins.  Recently I was contacted by an agent from the Liberal Media, an organization that operates in the shadows to influence news outlets to lean to the left.  They told me that they enjoyed my blog and wished to become an official sponsor.  My first and only sponsor, by the way (hint hint).
 
This is fantastic news!  I’m a big fan of the Liberal Media.  As a liberal myself, I enjoy that a majority of major news stations, with the exception of Fox News, put out content that aligns with my worldviews, however biased that content may be.  The fact that they singled me out as someone who can further their agenda is really quite flattering.  It makes sense, though, as the ultimate goal of my satire blog is to facilitate the spread of socialism and encourage young people to experiment with homosexuality.

OKOBOJI, IA – A heartbreaking farewell is taking place today on the shores of Lake Okoboji.  Trevor Cordes, a former insurance adjuster, is leaving behind his life on dry land to join a crew of pirates.  This has included quitting his job, vacating his apartment, and sadly, bidding farewell to his longtime girlfriend.
 
“I just couldn’t live like this anymore,” Cordes told reporters on the dock, with his crew floating just offshore waiting for him. “My job felt soulless.  The bills kept piling up.  Society kept blaming me and my entire generation for slaughtering entire industries with our buying habits.  I just got fed up.  So now I’m becoming a pirate.”

​Hey there!  My name is Go’Shanna the Bloodrunner.  I’m just looking for a nice guy who wants to have a little fun and is available to raid with me on Saturdays and Sundays.  Only looking for Hordies, so swipe right if you’re Alliance scum.  Not interested in Goblins or Pandas though, sorry guys.
 
Some things about me:
ESTP, Slytherin, Warrior main, Rogue alt.  Pretending WoD didn’t happen.  I happen to think orc females are sexy as fuck, so if you can’t handle tusks or muscles on a woman, you can’t handle me.

​Do you enjoy cooking?  Want to be the talk of the potluck?  Then have I got a recipe for you.  I have spent years perfecting my guacamole, and now, I’m sharing it with the world.  Have you ever received a marriage proposal based solely on the quality of your guac?  I have.
 
It was love at first bite.  She couldn’t help but pop the question immediately upon tasting that divine blend of jalapeños, cilantro, and finely diced onions.  We were happy at first.  How could you not be, in a relationship based around fresh produce and kitchen activities to share?  I would juice the lemons and limes while she shelled out avocados.  God, did that woman know her way around a big metal spoon.